NEWZ FLASH! Torn Between Two Sisters!

In the grand tradition of the worst supermarket gossip tabloids, mega-actor Ralph Fiennes (born 47 years ago today) once found himself torn between the steamy lusts of two oppositional sisters: the brainy and cynical Amy Barksdale (left) and the blonde Rita Barksdale (right). As you recall, Amy confessed her undying devotion to Ralph (pronounced like Rafe, rhymes with safe) in "Through a Lens Darkly," but tragically lost him to the scheming Rita before the airing of "Aunt Nauseam" (Rita: "... I promised Ralph—you know, the actor I've been dating—I promised to take him to New York for his birthday, maybe catch a play or two.") Thus, we know "Aunt Nauseam" takes place near this day, in December about 1999-2000.

Why would two animated sisters find themselves catfighting over this man? A close look at Mr. Fiennes in his best known work outfits, shown below, reveals all. No wonder these hot-blooded women cast aside all sororal affection and civilized decency to have him for their very own!

Another cold case solved by the unstoppable Detective TAG. (Thanks once again to the awesome UU and Pinhead for the great images above!)

Movie Quiz: Name the three roles that Ralph Fiennes played in the three movies represented in the above images. Then say what it was about each role that got the Barksdale sisters so hot and bothered. On the other hand, maybe we'd best skip that. And skip the part about how Helen Morgendorffer fits in there, too.

Fallout Is Forever

Forty-six years ago, in an alternate universe, things went terribly wrong. Good thing it wasn't our universe.

On the good side, 35 years ago today smallpox is considered to have been destroyed forever, so at least we did something right as a species.

This is the day when the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral occurred, leading of course to the Okay to Cry Corral in Is It Fall Yet? and a fanfic about Doc Holliday.

More soon.

Meet Paul Myerson

Let's see, what is there to say about Rita's squeeze-of-the-minute from "I Don't." He thinks Rita is "flighty" but also "a tiger in the bedroom" (insert "it runs in the family" meme here), he was a Boy Scout with Jake Morgendorffer, he apparently hasn't seen Jake since childhood but recognizes him right off, he claims he was offered a corporate ice presidency at age 29 (he's about 47-48 during "I Don't," same as Jake), he has a sailboat and met Rita in some sailboat-related manner, and he plays golf. Paul also seems to be well off financially and have a casual regard for the law, as he pulled several hundred-dollar bills from a roll of cash and bribed police officers to overlook the chaos at the wedding reception. A risk-taker he certainly is, and also self-important, egotistical, confident, condescending, patronizing, and a boor. Erin thinks he is "pathetic," and Jake quickly comes to dislike his childhood pal, though some of that might be jealousy of Paul's successes and how he rubs it in.

Paul himself isn't so interesting as his presence is. Bear with me a moment. That Paul knows Jake and dates Rita is a point in favor of the Barksdales and Morgendorffers having once lived in the same general area along the East Coast. My guess is that they all came from the Pennsylvania-Maryland-Virginia-Delaware region around Chesapeake Bay. It seems too much of a coincidence to be otherwise.

Paul's presence also supports the theory that Rita is good at manipulating people for financial support, or else finding people willing to offer such support. The currency she uses in exchange for the cash is sex. Helen says that Rita was always their mother's favorite child, so we know where this trend started. Paul paid off the cops, and he might be bailing Rita out of other troubles to boot.

How might Paul reappear in fanfic after "I Don't"? Rita might dump him for someone else, and he might try all sorts of things to get her back. He doesn't strike one as evil, but he could be very annoying. Then again, he might dump Rita for someone younger and prettier, and Rita might not take that well, leading to trouble. She might need his money at a crucial time, but he's gone. Daria or Quinn might get a summer job working for his company, discover he's involved in illegal activities, and you take it from there.

My creative ability is a bit strained with this character. He's good for something, but it's hard to say what. Any ideas?