Leave a (Wacky) Message at the Beep!

Happy National Inane Answering Message Day! Today's the day to take a page from Upchuck's book. No, not Playboy. I'm talking about The Daria Diaries, in which Upchuck puts the following recordings on his father's answering machine:

"This is Charles. I can't come to the phone right now, because I am occupado. I could tell you what I am doing, but let's not ruin the mystery. At the tone, leave your name, number, and the time you called, and I will get back to you as soon as I can tear myself away from my life of intrigue, about which I cannot be specific, lest I put both my life and yours in danger."

"No, no...not now, girls! This is Charles Ruttheimer the Third, and you have reached my answering machine...please, ladies, patience!...speak clearly at the tone and...I'm on my way, my dears!...they so hate to be kept waiting...anyway, I'll get back to you as soon as possible...if this is an emergency, well, so is a woman on fire!"

"You have successfully contacted the underground grotto of The Ruttheimer Group, currently engineering our secret plan to achieve world domination by the year 2010. If you would like to know more about our plans to gain global control of mass media, subjugate the military forces of every nation on Earth, and install Charles Ruttheimer the Third as supreme ruler of all humankind, please leave your name and address at the beep, and we will send you an informative brochure and a free bumper sticker."

His father was not amused. I noticed the world domination plans aren't going so well, though. The Ruttheimer Group was supposed to take over last year, after all. Unless...they did. (Ominous yet feisty music plays.)


Fanfic Update!

• Lots of hilarious ficlets in Roentgen's Iron Chef: Stupid Sexy Daria! thread. Most of them are too short to quote, so go read them now!


• Daria/Dorian 12: Spring Breaks, by LadieT (COMPLETE!): "'Mom, even if you had told me, I would have made some snarky remark about you were having a flashback moment to your commune days. That night - when I needed someone to help with the pain - you were the one that held me. And just like a good lawyer, you were prepared - despite the obvious need for skepticism. I also know that I wouldn't be anywhere near sane if you, dad, Jane, and Quinn hadn't been there for me. So don't worry about what that bitch in a dress two sizes too small said.'"


• Daria is Raven's Apprentice, by project pegasus: "Beast Boy: Speedy delivery for Raven. Raven: (taking the package from him) This smells terrible. Daria: Like a terribly obvious plot development? Raven: (opening it) No just terrible. Oh God! "


• Fugitive Chapter 6: Irish Folk, by Wassersauefer (part 1): "Chester speed up the stair and nearly crashed into wall when he rushed around a corner, then he stopped in front of a door. Said door was white, as white as every wall and door frame in the house, and adorned with Hello Kitty stickers and a door poster from Twilight. 'It's coming from there.' 'At least we know, that this bitch is certainly evil,' Bob mumbled with a sour look at the pale face of Robert Pattinson."


• General Semantics, Private Angst, by gwrtheyrn (part 34): "The other humans had left for the Palace, after Dr Sloane had told one of his larger vehicles to obey Chair and Daria. Daria Morgendorffer 2 had to hope that President Landon was a force for truth and justice, but still felt obliged to protect her AI allies. Her ad hoc plan was to get them the heck out of Dodge before the looming invasion, and to hope that Chair then could work with her to get some response out of her 'extra brain.'"


• Ghost Girl Chapter 4, by Pumpkin Panic (part 7): "Jane looked to the two girls still hugging eacother and crying, 'Why don't you two poof like they did?' 'I can't go yet! I need to get a message to Brittaney and too my little brother.' Angie sniffed. Brooke looked at them though and Daria knew she was going to make this difficult, 'And I want you to catch that ass hole who killed us!'"


• God Save The Esteem ep19: Shock of the New Kid, by Charles RB (COMPLETE!): "'It's like... you're a square brain and totally uggo too, no offence, and you're good at that, right? That's what you do. And I'm good at what I do, so if someone's better than me...' Quinn looked at Daria with a brief glimpse of fear and confusion, someone who lacked the words. 'Like, what if there was a brain and they were a bigger brain than you and everyone was ignoring your braininess over them? That'd suck, right?'" (Part 4) (Part 5)


• Holiday Roadtrip, by Chris Tucker: "The smallest of the three friends had just snaked her way out of the car by way of the window and was standing on the guardrail, balancing herself with a few fingertips on the car roof. Walking along the cylindrical horizontal beam of the rail, she made it past the front of the car and stepped down in front of it. She squatted and eyeballed the two front tires. She stood and pointed to the right-hand tire. Bringing her hand up, she made the classic 'cutthroat' gesture."


• How to Train Your Daria, by Hyrin (COMPLETE!): "Stepping off the rickety wooden ship, Daria hoisted her duffel bag and looked around. The island she had just arrived at was lacking in amenities such as cable and indoor plumbing, but otherwise seemed nice. Jane, Mack, Kevin and Brittany stood beside her, and behind her was Ms. Li, Mr. O'Neill, and Mr. DeMartino. As they walked along the dock, a large man walked up to them and smiled."


• Jane Morgendorffer, by LadieT (part 36): "Christmas Eve morning, Daria woke up to a sight she thought she would never get to see except for on television. Snow - there was actual white flakes falling from the sky on CHRISTMAS EVE. She had always wondered what a White Christmas looked like in person and now here it was. Daria stood there silently, watching the snow as some of the flakes stuck to the window."


• John Lane 48: A Boston We Will Go, by RLobinske (COMPLETE!): "At long last, Amy parked her car in her driveway and said, 'Home at last, home at last. Thank God almighty, I'm home at last.' Climbing out and grabbing her suitcase, she walked to her apartment. Thinking about the call she promised to make, she thought for a moment and then said, 'Hmm, Mother still owes me a big favor and this might be a good time to aim for two birds with that stone. Or perhaps four.'"


• Just One Date, by Hyrin (COMPLETE!): "Her thoughts drifted from topic to topic until finally they settled on Charles. What to do? She thought to herself. He seems like a nice enough guy, but I don’t know. Is this me being scared of having a boyfriend after that debacle with Ted, or is there something more to this? Am I scared of having to choose between Charles and Trent, assuming Trent ever noticed me?" (Part 7) (Part 8)


• Lawndale Hillbillies: Big Bucks, by Smijey (part 1): "'Perspective is hard,' Brittany Taylor opined. Daria Morgan glanced over at her paper, and noticed she was having a difficult time completing the assignment. 'Ain't that hard,' she said. 'It's like a shootin' range...well, I guess you wouldn't know what that's like,' she said, as the airy blonde cheerleader seemed very much like the type you wouldn't find at such an establishment. 'Oh! I go to the shooting range all the time! My Uncle Buck takes me.'"


• Legends Of The Metal, by TheExcellentS (part 13): "Finally, it was time to go. Upchuck would be tasked with driving the bus to Battersmith, while Tom followed behind in the Druid Plow. Now that the card had been armed by The Guardian of Metal, he was ready for anything that Bladehenge threw in his way. The number of personnel in the Ironheade army at this point in time came in at 22, which included all the headbangers, razor girls and Killmasters, as well as Daria, Trent, Jane, Upchuck, Jodie and Burnout."


• Legends of The Metal: Sidestory - Drowning in Despair, by Ixmythot (COMPLETE!): "Daria stood, the bitter cold of the icy winds of the mountains surrounding Death's Clutch chilling her to the bone, her eyes glancing up just to catch the last glimpses of the Deuce as it drove off. He left her, he actually left her, after all the words he said about trusting her, about caring for her. Everything he said was a lie, even after all she had done to protect him, to protect Ironheade from themselves, from Jane's distrust, her constant hatred. All for nothing."


• Life Beyond Highland (Iron Chef: Lawndale State), by LadieT (part 14): "Lawndale State had twice the number of students of Kilgore. The size of the science class reminded her of her days at Highland High. As she was getting situated at one of the lab tables, a girl with a familiar face and blonde hair approached her. It took her a moment to realize that it was the girl she met at the Zon."


• Quinn's Code - Story 1: The Esteemsters Code, by cfardell_Brenorenz29 (part 6): "Excerpt from the Diary of Alexandra Joy 'Sandi' Griffin (September 21, 2005) I confronted that Morgangeeker at Lunch. But, like, it backfired! The group of people hanging around her all backed her up! Like at least a quarter of the more popular freshmen are now against me! I heard whispers in class afterwards... Sandi closed her diary and began to think of a plan. A plan on how to destroy Quinn's popularity..."


• Screams of Silence, by Jim North: "'This long?' I ask. 'What do you mean "this long"?' He screws his face up, looking as if he's doing mental calisthenics. 'Well, since the fog rolled in there hasn't been a real nighttime, so it's kinda hard to say, but I think I've been here . . . three days? Not quite four.' Everything inside my chest suddenly tries to drop out by way of my stomach. I can feel the blood draining away from my face. 'That can't be right.'"


• Spirit of the Game, Nature of the Beast, by HolyGrail2007 (part 16): "It made Bianca realize all she ever did look for was how to use and manipulate, and she was unable to see what a friend she could have made, a real friendship, not the pretty smile hiding the self-interest. Tom didn’t hide behind manners and smiles, he simply was. If Tom knew what she was really after, he should hate her, although rationality and emotion never did mesh well together. And he deserved to know, too."


• Unnamed story (Scenes no Daria fanfic should have: Damn The Torpedoes!), by Ranger Thorne (COMPLETE!): "Realizing my what??? Daria said to herself, frowning slightly. She hadn't meant to pay close attention, but this concept was so bizarre that it flew right past her. She raised her hand in order to get O'Neill's attention, but he didn't seem to notice."


• Worldburner: The Platinum Guard, by Roentgen: "In this universe rested five other Dopplegangers. From what he could tell from their various timelines - he was not as adept at scrying as the armor bearer - they would become legends if their various universes survived. It was then that he felt the stirring behind him. It was a whisper, almost subtle. He could feel mystical power come into play behind him. Soft breath by candlelight. A child's whisper. The footprint of the unknown. And the voice almost, but not quite, said, you are in my power...."


• You've Got Trouble, My Friend (Writeoff Challenge 8), by ticknart: "Outside the boardroom, he grabbed his stomach, feeling nauseous. Never did he think he'd be the kind of man who would stoop to blackmail. It didn't feel right to him. But it wasn't right that Mantly-Hart would fire him for warning them of possible lawsuits. Were the projections so good that they wouldn't have to worry about the wrongful death claims if Michael's analysis was right? He supposed they were, otherwise why would they be so calm in the meeting?"