I Bet Brooke Still Hasn't Recovered from Her Nasal Relapse

Happy 15th anniversary to the episode "Too Cute," which first aired on this day in 1997. Hard to believe it's been fifteen years, though. I bet Dr. Shar looks exactly the same now as she did then. Plastic and horrifying.

Fanfic Update!

• Abattoir Blues (1): The Hitman and Her, by LongSnakeMoan (part 6): "He holds out his hand to Anthony, who ignores it and beckons him over to a corner of the lobby, away from the doors and the elevators. We walk over to the mailboxes in the corner. Ross hands over a photo to Anthony of the mark. Well, whaddya know. He's just a plain old Average Joe. Brown hair, brown eyes, check shirt, no scars or marks. So much for my hopes they all look like creeps like Ross. Oh well."


• Blessings of the Moon -- Chapter 7, by Fhujeth_x (COMPLETE!): "'Of the Moon...' Stacy spoke near monotone as she dragged the shovel across the soft soil of the garden, 'For blessings to be given... Parent, soul, of spirituality in name.' The words made no sense but she continued to repeat them, over and over again as she carved through the dirt."


• Ethan Yeager in Lawndale: Ch 8 Negotiable Education, by Shiva (part 2): "Gibson then got down to some business and had some volunteers hand out the schedules for the tutoring, the sessions would last for an hour and a half and would happen for over two weeks, one tutor would be assigned to a group and would cover the various required subjects. Ethan’s group as it turned out would be the guys off the Track team mixed in with some football players."


• God Save the Esteem 42: Combat Rock, by Charles RB (part 2): "'A dam burst and we can’t stop it,' said Erin. 'Sorry to love you and leave you, Kelly, but we need to get to Ashfield across state,' said Amy. 'There’s been a thing.' 'Not for much longer,' said Daria, calm and peaceful as long as you didn’t look into her eyes."


• The Hunter Home from the Hill, by DeacBlue (part 7): "Daria blushed slightly. 'Mom, I don't think that that would be a good idea.' She looked down. 'We were talking the other day, and she said that she hadn't seen her parents in six months - and that it took what you've been paying her to keep the house out of foreclosure.' She looked into her mother's eyes. 'Mom-my? Could we use part of my reward to help her stay in her house?' Helen looked into the trusting eyes of her daughter. 'Oh, hell,' she muttered into Daria's hair as she hugged her."


• Just Another Teacher Crush, by BrownEyedBagel (COMPLETE!): "Well...I normally keep my urges bottles up...today I made an exception. Mr. DeMartino is usually perceived as an angry old man. On the outside he looks about as cuddly as a pissed off porcupine with a grenade. That’s how everyone else sees him anyway. I see a beacon of masculine force."


• Lawndale and Sandi Griffin’s Genie (Chapter 7), by cfardell_Brenorenz29 (part 4): "'Yes, we need to find it by Monday morning,' Jeremy said. 'Why? What will happen on Monday morning?' Joanna asked. 'You don’t need to know,' Hannah said as she locked the car. 'I think we do,' Jess said. Jeremy merely uttered 'Distortion.' 'Huh?' Josiah asked. 'Think about it,' Jeremy said."


• Operation Glitterberries, by BF110C4 (part 16): "'Quinn, did you say something?' It was her mother, and she didn’t sound as if she was about to bolt any second now. Maybe she didn’t was in a party, maybe she was sick. '...ater' 'Just a second honey...' Her next words were louder, loud enough for her headache to flare, 'nurse, she’s awake, have the doctor here now! And bring some water.'"


• Return to Highland, by neonhomer (parts 8 and 9): "Not much was said between the group, except the occasional 'Not bad.' or 'It’s not killing me yet.' They were so busy eating, they didn’t notice the man walk up to their table. 'Daria? Daria Morgendorffer?' 'Who’s ask....' Started Daria as she looked up, and instantly recognized the man standing before her. 'Stewart Stevenson.'" (Part 9)


• Sexy Daria: Sex and the Mall, by Shiva (part 4): "Daria felt her smile turn dark as the executives of the Mall of Millennium went into spin mode, trying to dig their way out of pulling a secret focus-group on teenagers without paying. 'Time to extort them for cash.' Daria thought as she, and oddly enough Jodie and Mack went to town on them. They didn’t stand a chance."


• A Small White Stick, by JPAGC (part 1): "Walking on the driveway as quickly as possible to the trash bins, she thought for the umpteenth time of some kind of tray to transport the bags. It would be much more practical and more sanitary. Just a few more steps... The bag was really heavy. She quickened the pace when she felt the plastic giving way... ...And the bag, overweight, ripped itself, spilling its dirty contents on the driveway."


• Something Something Slam , by TheExcellentS (part 3): "O'Neill: 'Moving on, as we just heard from Claire Defoe, the LFC Women's Tag Team Championship is on the line as The Dames Of Darkness, Andrea Hecuba-Thorne and Scarlett LeFaye, take on No. 1 Contenders from Esteemster Series, Ruby Montag and Winona Polizzi of A-List Incorporated.' Barch: 'This should be a classic battle. Ruby and Winona have a much more refined wrestling style than Andrea and Scarlett, but there are very few people in the women's division that can match the Dames in terms of the power game.'"


• Tom Plays Nurse Goodnsexy (Scenes no Daria Fanfic should ever have-Now Springtime Fresh), by Shiva (COMPLETE!): "'Don't worry Trent,' Jane cooed sweetly to her brother as he lay in his bed, sicker than a dog, 'I've got you the best medical help I could.'"


• Unexpected Hookup: First Taste, by Shiva (parts 1 - 3): "Daria had done something she hardly ever did for anyone that night, she had dropped her anti-social mask ever so slightly and had discovered a person who actually liked what he saw behind it. 'She’s got so much depth,' Ronnie thought to himself once more about their time at Pizza Prince, 'And ye God is she smart, she puts all the other smart students to freaking shame!'" (Part 2) (Part 3)


• Unnamed story (IC: Awkward/WTF Endings), by Shiva (COMPLETE!): "Timothy O'Neill woke up the next day feeling great, he rolled over in his bed and caressed his new found lover and whispered to him, 'It's so nice of Janet to have died in that "car accident" last night, isn't it sweety?'"


• Unnamed story (IC : Daria and the School of Magic), by Waylander (parts 1 and 2): "Chaplain Timothy O’Neill paced back and forth in Principal’s office, gathering the courage to speak. Five pairs of eyes watched him with a mix of impatience and boredom. 'I had the liberty to go through the files of our potential recruits. What I’ve learned is really disturbing. One of the newborn mages in Texas, she is... Well, it seems that the situation is more complicated than usual.'" (Part 2)


• Unnamed story (Scenes no Daria Fanfic should ever have-Now Springtime Fresh), by BrownEyedBagel (COMPLETE!): "Daria:" My name is Daria; and I will be the focus of this fanfic. Before we begin I just want to clear up that there will be no sexual or otherwise crude humor in this story....'"


• Unnamed story (Scenes no Daria Fanfic should ever have-Now Springtime Fresh), by Vukodlak (COMPLETE!): "Daria opened her front door early in the morning and groaned when she saw Cupid and Saint Pattrick waiting. 'Whatever you want I don't care, I'm graduating soon so your threats of making my parents lovely dovey won't work on me."


• When In Doubt (Scenes no Daria Fanfic should ever have-Now Springtime Fresh), by thatLONERchick (COMPLETE!): "A penlight held in her mouth provided the only illumination, and Quinn worked quickly, going through drawers in search of her prize. Working from the bottom, she searched the dresser drawers until finally, she pulled something from the top drawer with an internal crow of triumph."

"I have you now, my pretty!"

"Too Cute" was aired for the first time 13 years ago today. We got our first look at the evil Doctor Shar, close kin to the Wicked Witch of the West, who tried to turn Quinn into a Frankenstein's monster of butt fat. And we got to hear Jane ask to see Daria's boobs. AND... there was this famous exchange. Heady stuff for animated shows, but that was Daria. A great episode.

The first woman to go into space went aloft 47 years ago today aboard the spacecraft named Vostok 6. Valentina Tereshkova, you rule.

N00OooOZ!

• Should we have a regularly produced Daria comic book graphic novel to go with our DVDs? Express yourself and maybe someone at MTV will notice.
• The thread on More Crossovers Not Yet Crossed Over is galloping along all of a sudden. Lots of good ideas.
• NEW! A new Iron Chef, called The Morgendorffers' Guide to the World, has been created by DrNoGood09 on PPMB.
• NEW! OverlordMikey would like help from readers with a story he's writing, called "The Puppet Princess of Lawndale Kingdom."
  

Moar to come. Stay tooned. Oh, here it is now.

PPMB

• Daria/Dorian, by LadieT (continued): Dorian was the first of her family to recover from the bombshell Lillian had just dropped. Grandpa Morgendorffer, "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer, began life as a girl... yet my family was pretty much clueless! Dorian looked at his father. The color was slowly beginning to come back to Jake's cheeks. Lillian and Dorian sat down on either side of Jake as he searched for words.
• Finn Morgendorffer 50: Matters of State, by HolyGrail2007 (Part 1): “God, I’m so... so happy. I’m so excited I wanna scale the walls of the mall.” “I’m don’t think that’s legal,” Stacy returned, “but I know what you mean. I remember that time when camouflage came back. Made me so chipper I felt like I ate an entire bottle of honey mixed with sugar.”
• General Semantics, Private Angst, by Gwrtheyrn (Part 27): "Lie Detector! I, Daria Morgendorffer, consent to your verification of my part in this interview. Please acknowledge." Daria's voice, calm and quiet till this point, rang out sharply. "Acknowledged, Ms. Daria," said the lie detector. "If you think that we null-As are pacifists, or hamstrung by our morals, you are fundamentally wrong. We train our nervous systems to adjust to the needs of whatever situation we may encounter. Lie Detector, please confirm." "That's true," said the AI. "This means that, if we must, we can mobilize for total war at a speed which will astound you. Lie Detector, please confirm." "That's true, too," said the AI.
• Grove Hell on Earth, by Charles RB (Part 1): Helen had found out about Grove Hills by sheer chance while researching Lawndale. She could easily have missed it. Even the kids in Highland would find this a no-brainer: why send Daria to a regular high school again when she could go to a school for gifted, intellectual youngsters? In all the rush of the move and getting the admissions test done and all that, the Morgendorffers had never had the time to visit Grove Hills before it was time for Daria to actually go there. In retrospect, that had been a mistake. Like the first day of the Battle of the Somme. (FF.net)
  
• Just a Day Like Everyday, by Antonio Jarreta, a.k.a. Raskolnikov (COMPLETE!): "God, I hate this place." A bespectacled, auburn-haired girl muttered this words to her companion, a tall, lanky, raven-haired girl with bright red lips. Both seem to ignore everything and everyone around them, paying attention to each other exclusively, much like if there were a wall of glass isolated them from the rest of the specimens. "Don't worry," the raven-haired girl dodged a rogue football aimed at her head. "I'm pretty sure it hates you as much you do it."
• Two Shovels, by OverlordMikey (COMPLETE!): "Hello," said the squeaky voice of Brittany Taylor. "Hey, can you do me a favor?" Brittany looked at the clock, shocked. "It's 10 at night, Mack." Her voice went quiet. "What do you need?" "I need you to go to the store and pick up a shovel, two pairs of knee pads, and the biggest tarp they have. I'll meet you in the graveyard when you get back." Brittany's eyes shifted back and forth before answering. "Okay..."
• Unnamed story (More Crossovers Not Yet Crossed Over), by Erin M. (COMPLETE!): "This has got to be one of the dumbest ideas Ms. Li has had yet." Daria said as she looked at her new school ID. Underneath her name and photo was a bright red bar with the word "RED" emblazoned across it. "Yeah," Jane agreed, pocketing her own ID. "I mean, sure her security idea were always kind of whacked, but this seems really out there. Security clearances just for access to various areas of the building?" "Nine different ones?" Daria countered. "And why the hell are we only allowed to have access to the restrooms in between classes?" (Daria/Paranoia RPG)
  

Quinn's Screensaver, from "Too Cute"

Okay, let's see if this trips anyone out. Here is the Quinn Morgendorffer "Too Cute" screensaver, with Dr. Shar and Quinn chattering in the background. Yes, this screensaver has SOUND!

http://www.theangstguy.com/fanimation/quinn.exe

The screensaver's official name is "Quinn's Makeover." Once again, I got this off the WayBack Machine and have checked it for viruses, trojans, etc. I just now ran it on my PC. Go for it!

My Night at Daria's was Too Cute!

Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of the premiere of "Too Cute," from the first season (at right), and tomorrow will be the 8th anniversary of the first showing of "My Night at Daria's," from season five. Today is just the day between. Which of these two episodes did you like best, and why? That's today's Comments question.

Disco316 has provided us with a DariaWiki page on Dariarotica. About time! Just be careful what gets added to it.

More in a few minutes. Just got out of the hospital (long story, doesn't involve a penguin, forget it), need to catch up on stuff. brb!

BACK: More discussion of a possible Midwest Dariacon 2009 around Labor Day is being held on PPMB. Interested? Post about it!

And now for the fun stuff.

PPMB

• Action Stories 3: Two Knights Defense, by Nightgoblyn (Part 4): “I’m glad this day is over,” Quinn said as she stuffed most of her books back into her locker. “You say that every day,” Jane replied. “Today, I’m especially glad.”
• Daylight: Fallen from Grace: I Should Have Been Home Yesterday, by Disco316 (Part 7): The sun was nearing the west horizon as Quinn, Sandi, and Stacy approached the Interstate 64 overpass at Golf Mountain Road. The area was desolate compared to the relatively well-populated areas of Tyler Heights and Cross Lanes, which had combined into one settlement referred to by many as Tyler’s Cross.
• Daddy's Home, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Stacy screamed as she opened the door of her room only to find... [I won't spoil it. ]
• Daria, Agent of COBRA: Expectavi, by Ranchoth (Part 3): Interrogator shook the last splatter off the tip of his baton, before wiping it passably clean on his coat. The stain blended in well with the others. "How's it coming?" [The goodness continues!]
• Falling into College 68: Judging January, by Richard Lobinske (COMPLETE!): "Okay, if this is such a learning moment, what am I supposed to learn?" "We can never get rid of our unconscious biases, but we can learn to control our conscious ones. Do your best to judge Nell's project as you would anyone else's." "A lot easier said than done." [Bonus nerd points for finding the Red Dwarf reference.]
• For a Time, by Dennis (COMPLETE!): "Helen!" Jake shouted, "I am not going to have a..." Pain suddenly stabbed his chest, and his head exploded in pain. Breath failed him and his vision began to telescope down to a pinpoint. No! I'm leaving them, just like he left me! The rest was blackness. [Happy Father's Day!]
  
• Mystik Spiral Bitchen Party, by Disco316 (COMPLETE!): [Songfic time! The link leads to another link giving you the music and setting!]
• Paper Medal, by Angelinhel (COMPLETE!): [A heartbreaking but beautiful story that you have to read, written by a master.]
  

Guest stars (dim stars, at that)

The "lost" flipbook called "Guestward Ho!" turns out to have had characters that we pretty much all know about. (The flipbook went on this page in the MTV site.) However, it is helpful to note the CORRECT spelling of some minor characters' names (Alison with one L, Luhrman with one N, etc.). This page was also archived on April 28, 2001. (Italics mine.) Note that "balloonist" is misspelled. (I discovered a number of misspellings on the old websites, but too late to do anything about it now.)

1. ARNO THE BALLONIST—He is not a hoppy thing! He is not Swedish! He is not Norwegian! He's from Denmark and don't you forget it! Oh, yeah, he's the balloonist in "Of Human Bonding."
2. BRAD AND BRETT—These carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene (they're Upchuck's cousins) make a valiant attempt to pick up Daria and Jane in the bleachers of the "Daria Dance Party." Thank the dating gods the girls found out in time.
3. JORDANA—In "The Daria Hunter," this deluded dame runs a tourist trap and is obsessed with the Great White Shark. Are her amazing adventures a Great White Lie?
4. LUHRMAN—This deadpan dreamboat was Daria's date for her cousin Erin's wedding. Did she miss the boat? Was Luhrman really the perfect man for her? We say "no" and forever hold our peace.
5. DAVID SORENSON—In Is It Fall Yet? Quinn whiles away her afternoons live with her tutor, David Sorenson. So how appropriate that TRL-meister Carson Daly provided his voice.
6. AXL—He's the tattoo parlor proprietor whose two-for-one special prompted Daria to violate her navel in "Pierce Me." Well, maybe Trent's eyes had something to do with it. Additional trivia: He charged eleven bucks.
7. TRICIA AND TAD GUPTY—Daria de-programs these well-behaved tykes in "Pinch Sitter." They're based on real kids writer Anne D. Bernstein used to baby-sit for. The only snack food in the house was unsalted sunflower seeds.
8. BING AND THE SPATULA MAN—Dan Vebber created these radio mock jocks for "Jake of Hearts." He says they're based on Buck and O'Connor, who had a morning show on Z-95, a rock station in Milwaukee, in the early 1980s.
9. THE CHEESE LADY—In "Mart of Darkness," this poor soul has to defend her calcium-rich wares from the likes of both Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Johanssen. A sharpened toothpick proved useless.
10. ALISON—She was Jane's bisexual art colony pal in Is It Fall Yet? Jane was struck dumb, Allison struck out, and singer Bif Naked struck a chord when she provided the sultry voice.
11. BROOKE—She almost made it into the Fashion Club in "Too Cute" after having fat sucked out of her butt and injected into her lips. But then there was that unfortunate nasal relapse.
12. GENERAL BUCK CONROY—He was the ultra-mercenary big mouth who marched into "This Year's Model." Still not half as scary as Romanica.
13. VAL—The hip magazine editor from "The Lost Girls" doesn't look a day over how old she was 10 years ago. Reminiscent of a real-life editor who named a magazine and a talk show after herself. (But her name has four letters, so it's so totally not her!)
14. DANIEL DOTSON—While looking over his lines as the opportunistic artist in "Is It Fall Yet?," Foo Fighters' David Grohl exclaimed, "God, I'm such a sleaze!" We think he was talking about the character.
15. MINSTREL JOCK—Sure, he only has one line in "Fair Enough," but he's a minstrel jock! What more could you ask for?
16. DOCTOR SHAR—The surgically enhanced plastic surgeon from "Too Cute." Gee, it's hard to depict cosmetic surgery in a cartoon character. That must be why Courtney Love hasn't guested on "Cat Dog."
17. LINK—The disgruntled camper from Is It Fall Yet? Oh, grow up, you're on TV."

You can make up your own controversies about these guys. Interesting where Tad and Tricia came from, though. I used to listen to Z-95 when I lived in Milwaukee some years ago. Huh.

"Too Cute" Turns Eleven

Eleven years ago today, the Daria episode "Too Cute" first aired on MTV. We were introduced to the evil Dr. Shar and to Quinn's complete gullibility in matters of beauty and fashion. Reviews of the episode are plentiful (e.g., Mike Quinn, Wraith, CINCGREEN). DariaWiki has an episode description but no review. The transcript is on Outpost Daria.

While not everyone's favorite episode, "Too Cute" did provide some memorable lines, including an infamous remark by Jane Lane ("Oh, Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs"). What did you think of "Too Cute"? I thought it was well above average and added a lot to the characterizations of Daria and Quinn, and to their relationship. Discuss in "Comments."

More later.

Trooo Luuuv (or Something Like It)

Curious thing about Dr. Shar and Rock and Roll Randy. On one hand, you have a petite middle-aged woman who has probably had cosmetic surgery on every part of her body that could conceivably withstand it, and on the other hand you have a big, bald, overweight, middle-aged guy who has obviously had no cosmetic surgery at all. What's the attraction? Randy is a guy, pure and simple, so his attraction to Dr. Shar is pretty straightforward (*cough*big boobs*cough*). What does Dr. Shar like about him? Though overweight, Randy's an active, semi-athletic guy, big and loud and boisterous, probably a party animal and loads of fun to be with. He has a good career and clearly likes who he is.

If it happens that Randy likes Dr. Shar mainly because of how she looks, that's perfect because her looks are the focus of her entire life. One might also hypothesize that both are G.I.B. (if you are old like me and recall what that stands for). If it's not romance, it's the next best thing. Who's gonna knock it?

It's also curious that we know only his first name and her last name, but that's how the nomenclature crumbles. Or whatever. Something like that.

Final thought for the day:


"When a woman is elected president, it won't be because she got breast implants."
—Helen Morgendorffer, "Too Cute"


"At least, her people will deny it."
—Daria Morgendorffer, "Too Cute"

Money Can Make Anyone Look Beautiful

Okay, okay, you knew I was going to do this. However, I'm not going to write the entry I was planning to write, which had some boob jokes and so forth. I was looking at the images of Dr. Shar from "Too Cute" when it hit me that I had seen that strange face somewhere before. (Click on the triple image above to enlarge it.)

It is my belief that Dr. Shar was modeled on a real-life personality, the Swiss-American socialite named Jocelyn Wildenstein. Wikipedia provides some background information on this lady, who overindulged in cosmetic surgery to the point that her facial features became disturbing to look at. However, you need to see an actual photograph of her face to get the full impact. The parallels with Dr. Shar's appearance should be clear. (Use Google to get more images. I could stomach just the one.)

Not much can be told about Dr. Shar from the episode, though there are some tantalizing hints at what lies beneath her much-altered exterior. She has a strong Deep Southern accent, perhaps from Georgia. She is obviously wealthy and has an active business. She might have been previously cited for ethics violations by a professional society of cosmetic plastic surgeons, as her actions and comments make it clear she is out for money, not to spread beauty; she manipulates Quinn like a master, and Quinn (and the Fashion Club) are taken in hook, line, and sinker. Only Daria's influence (it seems) keeps Quinn out of Dr. Shar's clutches.

Dr. Shar's parting comment, reproduced as this blog entry's title, makes me wonder if there was once a girl named Shar who came from a backwoods Southern hick town, a girl who wanted more than anything else to be pretty. She didn't like how she looked, so she became a plastic surgeon, got rich, then had herself redone until she felt she had achieved her lifelong ambition to be beautiful, if only in her own eyes. Now she lives in Lawndale, feeding off the secret fears and insecurities of others that they, too, should be beautiful. Kind of like being a vampire that sucks money instead of blood, though there is some blood involved, too.

More thoughts in a few minutes. A storm moved in and I have to log off, alas.

Trooo Luuuv

Ah, true love is in the air, and what better couple to represent the spirit of romance but Dr. Shar and Rock and Roll Randy, shown here in a warm embrace while Daria and Jane pretend not to notice. This scene takes place early on in "I Loathe a Parade," before Daria meets Tom.

It is tempting to speculate about this couple (Dr. Shar and Randy, not Daria and Jane, who are sooo 2007 right now), but the readers of this column know me as the soul of discretion, the one blogger on the Internet who would never stoop to pandering to the readership's baser nature. Instead, we shall move on to more cerebral topics and avoid dirtying the Web any further than it already is.

"I'm not a man, dude, I'm a rocker!"

While flipping through the pages of the MTV Daria site, I came across Rock and Roll Randy's cameo, where he introduces other obscure background characters from the series, who were all deleted when their flipbooks were discontinued, so only he and a handful of others survive. (Randy's moniker is variously written as Rock 'N Roll, Rock & Roll, Rock-and-Roll, etc., but MTV seems to have liked "Rock and Roll," so we'll go with that.)

Randy actually shows up quite a few times in the series, judging from the episode synopses on Outpost Daria. He shows up in "Malled" (on the Mall of the Millennium trolley behind Daria and Jane), "The Big House" (in the roller hockey game, where he gets punched out by Barch after he knocks down DeMartino), "I Loathe a Parade" (kissing Dr. Shar, of all people), and apparently appears in "That Was Then, This Is Dumb," "A Tree Grows in Lawndale," and "Mart of Darkness," but I am not sure where. He even gets his own alter-ego picture as a scorpion-man, probably Scorpio from the incomplete astrological-sign series of alter egos from one of the two surviving the MTV.com flipbooks. He looks like your basic balding overweight middle-aged classic-rock DJ, undoubtedly working at an AM or FM station in Lawndale itself. A wild and crazy guy, at least in his own mind.

A search with Google doesn't reveal any fanfiction written about Randy whatsoever. Ruthless Bunny did an excellent job writing about either Bing or Spatula Man in one short story, but Randy (and his romance, or whatever it is, with Dr. Shar) remains untouched. Can this possibly be true? Is there nothing more to say about him?