Without further ado, here are the (as far as we know) best high-school football players in and around Lawndale High School, plus their positions and teams.
- Theodore Wozniak (QB-Oakwood Taproots)
- Trevor Dinsmoor (WR-Briarwood Beefalo)
- Byron Spanky (WR-Eagleton Elephant Seals)
- Michael Jordan Mackenzie (RB-Lawndale Lions) AH-HA!
- Etan O'Malley (RB-Oakwood Taproots)
- Afolabi Obalade (TE-Lawrenceville Locusts)
- Kevin Thompson (QB-Lawndale Lions)
- Howie Scrapple (WR-Eagleton Elephant Seals)
- Brandon Balder (WR-Oakpine Native Americans)
- Bruno Wambolt (WR-Mo Udall High Marmosets)
- Al Alberdingk-Thijm (RB-Briarwood Beefalo)
- Bob Jones (RB-Lakeland Bichon Frises)
- Kyle Fant (RB-Oakwood Taproots)
- Lincoln Hwang (PK-Mo Udall High Marmosets)
- Simek Pletka (PK-Lawrenceville Locusts)
The demonic fantasy football game, which was computerized, also spit out this list of player injuries for Kevin, all written up by the sadistic programmer:
- Brendan Mulrooney (Lawrenceville) dislocated his shoulder while participating in an exuberant "high five." He is currently resting at home on a bunch of fluffy pillows.
- Theodore Wozniak (Oakwood) has recovered from a strained groin muscle which Brittany Taylor (Head Cheerleader of Lawndale) seemed to know an awful lot about. Hmmmm...
- Manu Breeze (Briarwood) is done for the year due to an outburst of Roid Rage, which left the rest of the squad with minor cuts and bruises. He is also suffering from liver damage, premature baldness, and shrunken testicles. Coincidence, I guess.
- Howie Scrapple (Eagleton) mistook the bleachers for a 7-man sled during practice. He was placed on injured reserve due to the fact that he now has a dent in his head.
- Ryan Tetherhooks (Oakpine) was sidelined when run over by a field stripper last Thursday. He will be out indefinitely with this like gigantic body cast with so much room you can sign no matter how big you write. Hear that, Taproots? Ha ha!
- Kevin Thompson (Lawndale) is currently nursing a sore facial cheek but is expected to play on Saturday. If I screw up again I'll have to get like a glass eye and join the Witness Rejection Program. [Kevin wrote the last line. He had told Brittany he was playing fantasy football, and she slapped him for fantasizing (about other girls, she assumed).]
And Brittany really is the head cheerleader for Lawndale, just as we'd thought!