Please Don't Poison Your Best Friend, Okay?

Daria and Jane are celebrating Best Friends Day, although I'm not sure it's necessary to be singing for this one. Still, it seems to be making them happy, so who am I to judge?

Today is also Name Your Poison Day, and Jane's got some extra cyanide if you need some. Just don't put any in Kevin's sandwich--Daria will catch you, and it'll all turn out to be a dream sequence anyway.

Speaking of dream sequences and other strange incidents, it's time for the final installment of "Great Mysteries of Daria." I'll close the series with just a few more examples of Lawndale weirdness. The main one that's always made me wonder is, did the whole school really believe Quinn's "cousin" thing and, if not, why did they play along? Was it because Quinn was just so cute and popular no one was willing to call her on it? Or maybe everyone else really just didn't care in the first place. Another possible explanation is that no one actually did know the truth, but when Quinn admitted it Stacy and Tiffany just pretended to know all along to annoy Sandi. And really, isn't annoying Sandi reason enough to do anything?

There's one more lesser "mystery" that I wonder about every time I see the episode "Pinch Sitter." What made Jake cry during group therapy? We've seen him whine, yell, rant, and just generally rage, but actual tears are pretty rare for Jake. So what finally pushed him over the edge? Only the Guptys will ever know the answer to that one.

Well, that wraps it up for me. How about you? If there's a mystery I left out that you've always wanted to know the answer to, tell us in the comments!

Revenge of the Ficus

Quinn's getting a workout for National Gardening Exercise Day, although I'm sure fending off attacks is not what the holiday creators had in mind. But now that's Quinn's started doing it, I'm sure the plant attack exercise fad is going to skyrocket.

If that's not your idea of exercise, either, then you could always swing dance at an abandoned drive-in movie theater with Nathan and his friends, because it's also the anniversary of the opening of the first drive-in movie theater in 1933. I know they were pre-khakis commercial, but I'm not so sure about Nathan.

Speaking of mysteries, welcome to today's edition of "Great Mysteries of Daria." Last time I mentioned Metal Mouth's (or at least his dentures) cameo at the end of "Legends of the Mall." It makes you wonder if there's actually a crazed former shop teacher running around Lawndale and, if so, who will be his next victim? Does he only attack car doors or might bike tires also fall prey to his steel jaws?

And what about the other random supernatural incidents in the show, like Daria's super-healing belly button? We saw the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree/Crutch sprout a flower in "A Tree Grows in Lawndale," which is not only weird but confusing. Did the flower symbolize Kevin's triumphant return to football? The successful removal of the rubber stopper from the bottom of the crutch? Or was it a sign that Zombie Tommy Sherman was about to return from the dead and kill everyone? There are other minor moments of weirdness, but those are the ones that stand out most for me.

Or You Could Just Hug a Very Old Cat

Quinn's looking very...mature...for Old Maid's Day, and I'm sure she'll wake up from this nightmare any minute now. It's also National Hug Your Cat Day, so if Daria ever achieved that lofty goal of turning "into an old woman alone in a one room apartment filled with thirty year old newspapers and cats," then today's the perfect day for her.

This is also the anniversary of "Aunt Nauseam," which first aired on this day in 2001. We learned a lot about the Barksdale sibling dynamic in that one, specifically what not to do. Still, it brought Daria and Quinn closer together, and is it possible that that was the aunts' plan all along? No, it really isn't.

Anyway, it's time for the moment you've all been waiting for (all two of you), the fourth segment of the "Great Mysteries of Daria" series. This time I'm discussing the fantasy (or are they?) episodes--"Depth Takes a Holiday" being the most notable example. Debate has raged, or at least simmered, in the past over whether that episode is canon, a dream, a hallucination, or who knows what else. It seems unlikely to be based in reality, but we never see anything that specifically indicates otherwise in the episode. The fact that it never gets mentioned again doesn't really matter; few of the episodes really impact later events anyway. And honestly, if you'd gone through a wormhole behind the Good Time Chinese Restaurant dumpster, you'd probably keep quiet about it, too.

The same thing goes for the musical episode, "Daria!" Did the events of the episode take place, singing and all? Or was it a fantasy episode of some kind? It would almost have to be, because I can't imagine Daria willingly singing in public under any circumstances. (Okay, embarrassing her family at Pizza Forest being a rare exception.)

Obviously most of "Legends of the Mall" was fantasy, because each sequence was framed by a character telling it as a story. Still, you can't forget those metal dentures on Helen's car at the very end. So if Metal Mouth is real, then what about the rest of the episode? Is there really a Rattling Girl of Lawndale? Is there a girl buried inside a bomb shelter somewhere in Lawndale? And was that red-haired woman actually Upchuck's mother? We'll never know.

She's Even Got the Royal Wave

Brittany has apparently just re-enacted the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II, which happened on this day in 1953. I'd keep a close eye on that corgi if I were you, Brittany. Whatever you do, don't let your brother near it.

And now for the third installment in the "Great Mysteries of Daria" series: character superpowers. Okay, so none of the characters in canon technically had any of the traditional superpowers like flight or laser blasts, but there were some odd things going on on the show from time to time. For example, was Quinn's past life regression as Cleopatra real or fake? It's hard to believe that Quinn could put on such a convincing act, particularly since it would require at least a little bit of historical knowledge. Not only that, but Quinn as Cleopatra does fit disturbingly well.

It wasn't just the central characters that seemed to have special abilities, either. The backgrounder Shaggy was shown to be able to both time travel and bilocate, among other things. We can only hope he only used those powers for good...or at least solving mysteries with a talking dog.

Finally, Trent's ability to fall asleep under every possible circumstance--during an almost-hurricane, while holding a guitar, and so forth--could qualify as a superpower as well. Not to mention the ability of certain teachers to hold onto their jobs in spite of their blatant discrimination, strangling attempts, and/or complete ineptitude.

TIME to Quit SMOKing!

Mr. DeMartino had better put out that cigarette because today is World No Tobacco Day! Also, I doubt that smoking is good for either his eye or his heart. Oddly, I don't think we ever see or hear about DeMartino smoking at any other point in canon. I suspect that on his salary he couldn't afford to smoke more than one cigarette every five years.

On today's installment of "Great Mysteries of Daria," I'd like to discuss the stuff that the writers didn't even seem to be paying attention to. There's the minor stuff like Tiffany's random voice change early in the series or Sandi's abrupt downward personality turn after season one. But there are even bigger mysteries out there!

For one thing, the layout of the Morgendorffer house has been a subject of discussion in the past: why do certain rooms keep changing? Why isn't the house a consistent size? Why, if the house has a guest room, did Helen let Daria pick the bedroom she did? The tesseract theory is a popular one, but there's surely plenty of room for more fun in explaining that house in fanfic.

Another mystery that never got resolved was the question of what happened to Ted DeWitt-Clinton after the episode "The New Kid." He showed up at Lawndale High one day, then didn't reappear until his cameo appearance in "I Loathe a Parade." Since he was still attending Lawndale High during that whole time, why did we never see or hear anything from him? Maybe that's something that only bugged me (hence my The Ted Zone series), but it's very strange.

Climb a Mountain...or a Pile of Garbage

Tiffany's climbing a mountain in honor of Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay's successful ascent of Mount Everest, which happened on this day in 1953. Good thing Tiffany's not worried about the lack of oxygen up there affecting her brain--there'd have to be a brain in there first.

Today is also Learn About Composting Day, and I'm sure Willow would be happy to pass on any tips. Unless she's decided she feels the same way about composting as she does about kneading bread.

Finally, I now bring you the first installment of the "Great Mysteries of Daria" series, In-Episode Mysteries. These are the things that are inarguably canon yet remain unexplained. The things that cause unending speculation but no true consensus. The things that the writers most likely threw in there specifically to drive us all nuts.

For example, who burgled the cybercafe and later the coffee shop in "Cafe Disaffecto"? Was it Kevin, who was so quick to claim he had an alibi? Was it Jodie, so tired of being the perfect girl that she had to turn to a secret life of crime? Come to think of it, when exactly did Daria's computer first appear in her room? Hmmm....

Another unsolved mystery is the identity of the person who drove Daria home at the beginning of "The Big House." It doesn't appear to be a car we ever see in any other episode, like Trent's blue car or the Tank, but it could belong to another member of the band. Still, we never learn for certain who drove her home or what she was doing out so late in the first place.

The last mystery is what really caused Daria's rash in "Ill." It's implied that it was caused by embarrassment, as shown at the end when Trent shows up and the rash returns full force. However, the second appearance happens during English class and doesn't seem to coincide with anything that might be considered embarrassing--at least, not to Daria. Mr. O'Neill should be very much ashamed of his lack of teaching ability. So what the heck was it? Maybe Jake's right and Daria really is dealing Mary Jo out of the rec room.