Put That in Your Pipe and (Don't) Smoke It!

Today is World No Tobacco Day, the day when people are encouraged to give up all tobacco products for twenty-four hours. This would be an especially good idea for those of you planning to participate in any faculty-DJ roller hockey games.

New Fanfic!

• "Beretta" Sparrow (Iron Chef: The Name Game), by breitasparrow (COMPLETE!): "'Please welcome, uh... how exactly do you pronounce your name?' 'Breita. Breita Sparrow,' she replied. The girl had short brown hair, brown eyes, and wore converses, jeans, and a novelty t-shirt. The other girls looked at her with envy and confusion, but mostly with confusion. 'A chick named "Beretta"? Cool!' Kevin said."


• Class Reunion (Scenes no Daria fanfic should have: It's Friday!!), by InvisibleDan (COMPLETE!): "Officer Beavis of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice went up to Warden Butt-head and said, 'Diarrhea's in there doing it with Earl.' 'Whoa. I always thought she was one of those thespians.'"


• Daria/Dorian Ch. 15: Summertime Blues, by LadieT (part 3): "Trent lagged behind the two teenagers, until he felt someone grab his arm. He turned to see that Summer had dispersed her groupies and they were alone. He could see the look of concern in his big sister's eyes. 'Are you keeping an eye on them? The last thing Jane needs is a kid at her age.' 'Janey is a big girl and Dorian treats her with a great deal of respect. Neither of them want a kid right now and are taking precautions,' Trent said. 'Good. I don't want her to end up like me,' Summer replied."


• Daria's New Babysitting Job, by Doggieboy (COMPLETE!): "'Ahhhh!' Quinn said when Daria came into the house, leading a beagle on a leash. 'what a cute little beagle! Where did you get the dog, Daria?' 'Mr. DeMartino paid me $25 to watch him for the next two hours,' Daria said. 'Since he seems to like me, it seemed like easy money to me. His name is Buster.'"


• Daria Vs. Old Betsy & The Five Avengers, by RX-87 (parts 1 - 3): "Fearing the house would come down around her ears, the lean, blond girl flung the front door open and ran outside, paying no attention to her parents' whereabouts, half hoping, perhaps, they would not make it through the quake. When she saw what was outside, she almost wished the building had collapsed on top of her." (Part 2) (Part 3)


• Esteeming Out The Gutter, by RX-87 (part 2): "'Whoa, sorry to startle you.' The other girl apologized. She was about Daria's age, though a few inches taller. She was dressed in a loose, sleeveless red top covered in stains of various colours, black shorts over torn-up black leggings, many of the holes exposing scabs, scratches and bruises, and a pair of black combat boots even bigger and meaner-looking than Daria's. He arms were decorated with spiked bracelets and abstract homemade, ballpoint pen ink tattoos. Beautiful blue eyes gazed sleepily out from a pale, heart-shaped face with plump, possibly swollen, cherry red lips bearing an asymmetrical arrangement of rings and studs. Her ears were covered in every kind of piercing she could fit in them and half her head was shaved, with a thick, ratty mop of raven black hair that covered half her face hanging from the other."


• Forget and Forgive (Iron Chef: If I Forget You), by Hyrin (COMPLETE!): "Daria stood slowly, feeling the world revolve fastly around her. 'Jane, did the doctor say anything about...memory problems...after the accident?' 'He said I might forget some stuff, but I feel pretty ok, except for a new hatred of dyed-blonde hair. Anyway, please, Daria. Can we make this right between us again?' Daria took a deep breath. 'Jane, I need to tell you something.'"


• Forgive & Forget/Relive & Regret (Iron Chef: If I Forget You), by thatLONERchick (COMPLETE!): "Jane was released two days later. She had sustained a mild concussion, but was declared out of danger by the doctors. The three of them swung by the commune to pick up Jane's things, but she only knew what was hers by the signature in the bottom right corner. She shook her head in frustration at the poor quality of the works, and her inability to recall the last few weeks of the summer. Daria and Trent traded worried glances as they gathered up Jane's things and carried them out to the Tank."


• General Semantics, Private Angst, by gwrtheyrn (part 39): "'Mr Vitale, Earth President Landon has invoked the External Threat Contingency. All armed forces of the Greatest Empire, and you, yourself, by name, are defined as hostile combatants,' the lie detector said, sternly, in a stentorian baritone. 'I can accept your surrender. For all other business, you can kiss my shiny, metal, robot ass.' It made a rude raspberry sound, and fell silent, as its LEDs fluttered ever more briskly."


• To Hell and Back Again, by Chris Tucker: "'Quinn, sorry about the delay in getting your birthday gift to you. I had it made specially for you. I hope you like it. Love you! D.' 'It' was a three piece set of jewelry. Matching earrings and necklace. The settings were silver, with faceted stones. Red, Green, Yellow and Blue. There was something naggingly familiar about the stones. She held them up to the sunlight that streamed through her bedroom window. The colors. She had SEEN those colors before, but where?"


• The House of Cards, by Doggieboy (part 4): "He smiled at her and said, 'Thank you for your time, Scarlett. If you ever have any questions for me, please feel free to call me. Leave me a message if I don't answer, and I'll call you back as quickly as I can.' 'Finding John is important to you, isn't it?' 'He's killed five people since February. What do you think? Has it also dawned on you that if he's still alive and out there, he could kill even more people?'"


• Life After Highland Ch. 1: Rush This!, by LadieT (part 4): "'Are you okay, amiga?' Jane asked. 'I have a lot on my mind right now,' Daria said. 'Want to talk about it? I have nothing else on my calender for the evening except for maybe a pizza run unless you want to get one delivered. We would just have to remember to tell them not to send Artie or you'll be listening to him talk about aliens for the rest of the night.'"


• New Leadership (Iron Chef: The Name Game), by HeirOfNorton (COMPLETE!): "Daria leaned against a tree, wondering where Jane was. Jane had 'hinted' that Daria would want to be here, but refused to say why. Daria looked at all the rest of the students, feeling bored. 'ATTENTION WORLD!' A voice boomed across the quad. Everyone looked in shock up at the figure perched on the roof of the high school."


• No Morning After (Scenes no Daria fanfic should have: It's Friday!!), by breitasparrow (COMPLETE!): "Tom and Jane sat quietly at one of the best tables in a very expensive Italian restaurant. They had a beautiful view outside the window next to them, and the food was delicious. 'Wow. This is just... unbelievable,' Jane said. 'I'm glad you like it, because I have a surprise for you.'" (Sequel here)


• Not So Different 32: It Doesn't Get Any Better, by J-D (COMPLETE!): "'We have to work together as a team, a cheerful, smiling team. Remember our guarantee: "If we don't smile, the nuts are free!" And those free nuts come out of your pay. So show me your smiles: big ones, let's see them.' Kevin smiled the smile of a triumphant idiot. 'I can't', Sonny lied. 'Medical reasons. I can't smile without discussing it with my doctor. Old facial injuries.'"


• Not So Different 33: Storm In A Tinpot, by J-D (COMPLETE!): "Sonny sat on his bed, leafing through an old journal. His job at the pet shop had cut into his time for hanging out with Jane, eating pizza, and watching Sick, Sad World, and he was trying to decide whether it was worth keeping up his journal writing. Wednesday: Woke up to find had still not died in night: condemned another morning in 'burbs. Good day at school: managed to sleep through most of two classes. Hung out with Jane after school, watched Sick, Sad World (faces of baby Jesus and ET wall of shower)."


• Not So Different 34: Under The Same Roof, by J-D (COMPLETE!): "'I really don't know my kids! Unless—you're not by any chance looking for ... Sonny, are you?' He took a half-step backward, holding the door wide open and looking over his shoulder towards Sonny. Sonny's gaze caught Monique's eye. 'Oh, hi, Sonny!' she said. 'Is this your place?' Before Sonny could find his voice, his father swivelled spasmodically back and forth, his face contorting, until he ended up facing Monique again and saying, 'You're not called—“Foxy Mamma”, are you?'"


• Questions Asked Questions Answered & Pizza w/ Jane Ch 4, by Lord Yellowtail (COMPLETE!): "Stacy blushed slightly. 'You run across one little jerk mutilating cats, and everyone over the age of 25 spazzes out.' She narrowed her eyes, shoulders tensing in remembered anger. 'That little creep. Those poor little kitties ...'"


• Quinn's Code 03: Cafe Geekdale, by cfardell_Brenorenz29 (part 2): "'We could read episode reviews there!' Tania said, excitedly. 'Then they will know that anime is better than it sounds!' she thought. 'Or cosplay and read episode reviews, or fanfic!' Tatiana Olivova exclaimed, emitting a squee-like squeal. The others just looked at her. 'What? There's nothing wrong with fanfic!' she said."


• Rude Awakening Ep 5: Switching Formats, by DIsaac (COMPLETE!): "(Daria walks over to Mack) MACK: (Sleep talking smoothly): That's right baby, Mack Dynamite got all those sexy moves you need. Hey baby let Mack Daddy love alllll over you! DARIA: Uhmm, That was totally awkward to hear and did not just happen. I now know why Kevin calls Mack, Mack Daddy!" (Part 7)


• Save the Last Trance for Me, by jtranser: "'Daria, I want you to come with me and meet a friend of mine. He's a type of demigod we call a specialty contractor. He's very useful when you need to muddy the waters and draw attention away from any political or social experiment you've run that's gone awry. For that matter, any divine screwup whatsoever.' 'I'm intrigued. So who is this guy?' 'He has many names, but he's primarily known as Racine Placebo, the God of Conspiracy Theories and Disinformation."


• Second Last Chance (Iron Chef: If I Forget You), by LadieT (COMPLETE!): "The phone call she received thirty minutes earlier had caused the color to drain from Daria's face. Now, she was a visibly shaken teenager sitting beside an equally shaken up boyfriend as they followed Trent to Ashland Memorial Hospital. Daria replayed the conversation with Trent over and over in her mind. Hey Daria - umm Janey got hurt and is on her way to the hospital. I know you two were having a rough patch, but I know you are still worried about her."


• Tag Team (Scenes no Daria fanfic should have: It's Friday!!), by thatLONERchick: "Daria and Jane regarded each other across the weeping girl's bowed head, and a silent conversation passed between them. We have to shut her up. But how? We've been trying for the past half hour. Chloroform? Left it in my other jacket. Taser? Needs charging. Damn. Then there's only one way." (Part 2)


• Unnamed story (Iron Chef: Daria the Test Subject), by Greystar (COMPLETE!): "'Dr. Banner, is this thing safe?' Daria asked as a large spherical device on the end of a manipulator arm swung into place over her body."


• Unnamed story (Scenes no Daria fanfic should have: It's Friday!!), by breitasparrow (COMPLETE!): "Helen woke up in a cheap motel room bed with a massive headache. The last thing she remembered was heading to her room the night before after a meeting that turned rather ugly. 'God, what did I do last night?' she asked out loud, expecting no response."


• We Meet Again (Scenes no Daria fanfic should have: It's Friday!!), by breitasparrow (COMPLETE!): "'Well, hello, Daria,' The man said calmly. 'We meet again, Earl,' she replied. They stood there and studied each other for a moment. 'I was sure you'd forgotten me by now.'"


• " . . . Why Does This Shirt Smell Like Trent?" (Scenes no Daria fanfic should have: It's Friday!!), by DIsaac (COMPLETE!): "Life has a funny way of turning on you. For Daria Morgendorffer, that turn happen one night when she opened the door to the room of Trent Lane. There she found her then boyfriend and her then crush entangled on the bed. Daria without think about the sight before her exclaimed 'WHAT THE HELL!'"