Wednesday, January 30, 2013

All Hail The Ruttheimer Group!

Happy National Inane Answering Message Day! Upchuck has taken the opportunity to use the following (as quoted from The Daria Diaries):

"This is Charles. I can't come to the phone right now, because I am occupado. I could tell you what I am doing, but let's not ruin the mystery. At the tone, leave your name, number, and the time you called, and I will get back to you as soon as I can tear myself away from my life of intrigue, about which I cannot be specific, lest I put both my life and yours in danger."

"No, no...not now, girls! This is Charles Ruttheimer the Third, and you have reached my answering machine...please, ladies, patience!...speak clearly at the tone and...I'm on my way, my dears!...they so hate to be kept waiting...anyway, I'll get back to you as soon as possible...if this is an emergency, well, so is a woman on fire!"

"You have successfully contacted the underground grotto of The Ruttheimer Group, currently engineering our secret plan to achieve world domination by the year 2010. If you would like to know more about our plans to gain global control of mass media, subjugate the military forces of every nation on Earth, and install Charles Ruttheimer the Third as supreme ruler of all humankind, please leave your name and address at the beep, and we will send you an informative brochure and a free bumper sticker."
Hey, I think there's fanfic potential in that last one. What kept Upchuck from achieving world domination three years ago? Was his plan foiled, or only delayed? Fandom must know.

Fanfic Update!
  • As Though She Had Done It All Before..., by Shiva (part 2): "Daria froze for a second before shaking her head and muttering, 'What's wrong with me?' 'You live in Lawndale.' was Josh's only reply."

  • Be Careful What You Wish For, by Doggieboy (part 11): "John Hobbs smiled at his girlfriend and asked, 'What's the matter, hon? You look like you've seen a ghost.' 'I just thought of a bad dream I had not too long ago,' she said and relaxed. Dammit, I cannot get used to what that genie can do!" (SFMB)

  • Bursting One's Bubbles (Scenes no Daria fic should have:Stupid, Silly and Disturbing), by SinisterExaggerator (COMPLETE!): "'Quinn,' said Daria, 'remember how you said that looking at me all day made you immune to all crimes against fashion?'"

  • Call of the Wild (Daria and the Gang Thread), by Roentgen (COMPLETE!): "Daria and Jane slowly advanced towards their prey. Jane adjusted her pith helmet and Daria reached for her pistol. 'Do you smell that?' Daria said. 'Oh yeah,' Jane said. 'Spoor.'"

  • A Cynical Earth, by RLobinske (part 4): "Daria said, 'I agree that it is the sound I heard, but I'm still having a hard time accepting that story you told me.' 'Then don't accept it,' Dorothy said, with an impish smile. 'Come with us and see. Who knows, it might actually be fun.'"

  • Daria Morgendorffer-Morningstar: The Daughter of Satan Meets the Messiah (Scenes no Daria fic should have:Stupid, Silly and Disturbing), by Shiva (COMPLETE!): "It had been a rough week for poor old Daria Morgendorffer, fifteen years old and freshly moved from Texas to the East Coast. Not to mention that her father had died of a heart attack a day before they had left since their mother had been forced to confess to having had an affair with Satan himself."

  • Dylan, by J-D (part 17c): "At the head table, Dylan and Lurleen worked their way through the meal in silence. Eventually Lurleen said, 'You didn't want me to fill up time with pointless chit-chat, did you?' 'Nope.'"

  • From A Certain Point Of View (Iron Chef: Monkey's Paw), by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): "Upchuck grasped the Monkey's Paw and said 'I want to have incredible, mind-blowing, brain-melting sex on demand, whenever I want, for the rest of my life!'"

  • Genies are Jerks (Iron Chef: Monkey's Paw), by Vukodlak (COMPLETE!): "Before the Genie stood three people who had just found his rubbed his lamp in the course of fighting over it. Now the thing is he was really enjoying chilling in his bottle which was actually a huge extra dimensional house and part of an even larger extradimensional gated community where all the genies of the multiverse lived. Now he was moments from scoring with his hot Genie girlfriend when he was called so he was especially irked."

  • How The Past Relates to the Present, by Shiva (COMPLETE!): "Jane was curious as to why Daria had insisted that they go to the school's library instead of the roof to have their lunch."

  • Iran So Far Away, by SinisterExaggerator (COMPLETE!): "From inside, he could see her at her desk, the soft white light from her lamp bouncing off her brown hair and highlighting the angular curve of her jaw. She was tearing through a dense pile of papers, indiscriminately applying a blood red rubber stamp to each. Identity POSitive, he thought to himself."

  • A New Beginning, by LadieTAG (part 8): "Amy hung up the phone and soon the tears started to flow. Memories of the phone call almost eight years ago began replaying through her mind."

  • The Night Helen Saved Christmas, by Aloysius (part 5): "'You're saying that I'm more than just a pretty face,' she responded. 'Yes! That's it! Helen, I could easily picture being in a relationship with you.'"

  • Ocean City (Iron Chef: Random Pairing Challenge!), by peetz5050 (part 1): "'Hi Mack!' 'Brittany, lookin' good. Did ya have a good night last night?' 'What have you heard? Listen just because Kevvie's in the hospital doesn't mean that I was fooling around, whoever told you...'"

  • Requisite untitled AU, by mac (parts 1 - 5): "'Kiddo, I know it will be hard without - ' 'It's okay, Dad.' Her soft voice expressed almost no emotion. Only someone who knew Daria well would be able to detect the faint hint of anxiety, matched by resolve. 'It's better this way. The fighting was getting too much to handle. For all of us.'" (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

  • The Ride Before the Show (Scenes no Daria fic should have:Stupid, Silly and Disturbing), by Shiva (COMPLETE!): "In a white stretch limo, Daria sat with Jane and Quinn, all of them in expensive fashionable clothes from stores like Christian Dior, Prada, and Versace."

  • Schlossstecken, by Pumpkin Panic (parts 1 and 2): "A young lady stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that due to an unfortunate grounding involving a curfew infraction and a few offhand comments pertaining to the jurisdiction of the household she is confined to the house but thankfully internet privileges have yet to be revoked, for now." (Part 2)

  • The Three J's Get a Dog (Scenes no Daria fic should have:Stupid, Silly and Disturbing), by Shiva (COMPLETE!): "'That Daria girl is cool.' Jamie said to the other two J's as they left the Morgendorffers."

  • To Be Queen (Iron Chef: Monkey's Paw), by Reven384 (COMPLETE!): "Quinn Morgendorffer looked at the shriveled up monkey's paw in her hand. She wondered if the stories were true. Well it couldn't hurt to try it out, but what could she wish for?"

  • Unnamed story (Daria Meets YOU), by RX-87 (COMPLETE!): "'Why?' Daria pleaded with her best friend of many years as she sat listlessly in a hospital bed, bandages wrapped around her wrists. 'Why won't you tell me why you did that?'"

  • Unnamed story (Scenes no Daria fic should have:Stupid, Silly and Disturbing), by SinisterExaggerator (COMPLETE!): "'Ms. Landon,' demanded Ms. Li, 'please tell Ms. Morgendorffer why promising an anarcho-communist student government is against school policy!'"

  • What's in a Name? (Scenes no Daria fic should have:Stupid, Silly and Disturbing), by SinisterExaggerator (COMPLETE!): "Upchuck took another look at the house number. 1111 Glen Oaks Lane. It was right, but it couldn't be...this was her house. The note he had received entailed a 'surprise' of some sort. Unless..."

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