"I have you now, my pretty!"

"Too Cute" was aired for the first time 13 years ago today. We got our first look at the evil Doctor Shar, close kin to the Wicked Witch of the West, who tried to turn Quinn into a Frankenstein's monster of butt fat. And we got to hear Jane ask to see Daria's boobs. AND... there was this famous exchange. Heady stuff for animated shows, but that was Daria. A great episode.

The first woman to go into space went aloft 47 years ago today aboard the spacecraft named Vostok 6. Valentina Tereshkova, you rule.

N00OooOZ!

• Should we have a regularly produced Daria comic book graphic novel to go with our DVDs? Express yourself and maybe someone at MTV will notice.
• The thread on More Crossovers Not Yet Crossed Over is galloping along all of a sudden. Lots of good ideas.
• NEW! A new Iron Chef, called The Morgendorffers' Guide to the World, has been created by DrNoGood09 on PPMB.
• NEW! OverlordMikey would like help from readers with a story he's writing, called "The Puppet Princess of Lawndale Kingdom."
  

Moar to come. Stay tooned. Oh, here it is now.

PPMB

• Daria/Dorian, by LadieT (continued): Dorian was the first of her family to recover from the bombshell Lillian had just dropped. Grandpa Morgendorffer, "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer, began life as a girl... yet my family was pretty much clueless! Dorian looked at his father. The color was slowly beginning to come back to Jake's cheeks. Lillian and Dorian sat down on either side of Jake as he searched for words.
• Finn Morgendorffer 50: Matters of State, by HolyGrail2007 (Part 1): “God, I’m so... so happy. I’m so excited I wanna scale the walls of the mall.” “I’m don’t think that’s legal,” Stacy returned, “but I know what you mean. I remember that time when camouflage came back. Made me so chipper I felt like I ate an entire bottle of honey mixed with sugar.”
• General Semantics, Private Angst, by Gwrtheyrn (Part 27): "Lie Detector! I, Daria Morgendorffer, consent to your verification of my part in this interview. Please acknowledge." Daria's voice, calm and quiet till this point, rang out sharply. "Acknowledged, Ms. Daria," said the lie detector. "If you think that we null-As are pacifists, or hamstrung by our morals, you are fundamentally wrong. We train our nervous systems to adjust to the needs of whatever situation we may encounter. Lie Detector, please confirm." "That's true," said the AI. "This means that, if we must, we can mobilize for total war at a speed which will astound you. Lie Detector, please confirm." "That's true, too," said the AI.
• Grove Hell on Earth, by Charles RB (Part 1): Helen had found out about Grove Hills by sheer chance while researching Lawndale. She could easily have missed it. Even the kids in Highland would find this a no-brainer: why send Daria to a regular high school again when she could go to a school for gifted, intellectual youngsters? In all the rush of the move and getting the admissions test done and all that, the Morgendorffers had never had the time to visit Grove Hills before it was time for Daria to actually go there. In retrospect, that had been a mistake. Like the first day of the Battle of the Somme. (FF.net)
  
• Just a Day Like Everyday, by Antonio Jarreta, a.k.a. Raskolnikov (COMPLETE!): "God, I hate this place." A bespectacled, auburn-haired girl muttered this words to her companion, a tall, lanky, raven-haired girl with bright red lips. Both seem to ignore everything and everyone around them, paying attention to each other exclusively, much like if there were a wall of glass isolated them from the rest of the specimens. "Don't worry," the raven-haired girl dodged a rogue football aimed at her head. "I'm pretty sure it hates you as much you do it."
• Two Shovels, by OverlordMikey (COMPLETE!): "Hello," said the squeaky voice of Brittany Taylor. "Hey, can you do me a favor?" Brittany looked at the clock, shocked. "It's 10 at night, Mack." Her voice went quiet. "What do you need?" "I need you to go to the store and pick up a shovel, two pairs of knee pads, and the biggest tarp they have. I'll meet you in the graveyard when you get back." Brittany's eyes shifted back and forth before answering. "Okay..."
• Unnamed story (More Crossovers Not Yet Crossed Over), by Erin M. (COMPLETE!): "This has got to be one of the dumbest ideas Ms. Li has had yet." Daria said as she looked at her new school ID. Underneath her name and photo was a bright red bar with the word "RED" emblazoned across it. "Yeah," Jane agreed, pocketing her own ID. "I mean, sure her security idea were always kind of whacked, but this seems really out there. Security clearances just for access to various areas of the building?" "Nine different ones?" Daria countered. "And why the hell are we only allowed to have access to the restrooms in between classes?" (Daria/Paranoia RPG)
  

Starting the Week Off Right

A.E. van Vogt, a writer best known during the Golden Age of SF, was born this day 98 years ago. His work is commemorated in a current Daria fanfic by Gwrtheyrn, "General Semantics, Private Angst," based on van Vogt's null-A universe. Yee-haaaw!

Today is also Old Permic Alphabet Day (look it up, I won't explain it), Richter Scale Day (if you love earthquakes, which no one does), and World Intellectual Property Day, which I probably shouldn't mention for obvious reasons having to do with the subject of this blog. Nonetheless, it is a legal thing and Helen Morgendorffer likes legal things, so here it is. And I am proud to say that Daria has to be one of the best intellectual properties in existence, in my own humble opinion. Yay!

If you took a photo of Jane Lane, would she look like this? See also these two threads on real-life Jane Lanes, still in progress!

BRAKING GNUZ! DariaonDVD.com is now open through MTV! (Only for USA, sadly, but still...) Get your free T-shirt while supplies last! As it happens, though, I have too many T-shirts and have already ordered through bn.com, so... oh well!

ALSO! Ticknart has a special message to all fanfiction fans in Comments, below. Help the contest out!

ALSO! I was reliably informed that today is the first BoobQuake Day. This is only peripherally related to Daria, but, hey, it's for science.

Endings and Anniversaries

The end of an era has come. Richard Lobinske's epic Falling into College series has concluded. (I missed that little point over the last day or two, still believing there was more coming. Silly me.) If you have been a fan of this series, post your comments at the link. What epic series will he create next? The fandom awaits with baited breath.

"Malled" premiered 13 years ago today, and "The F Word" 10 years ago. Jake reminds us that Angus Young of AC/DC turns 55 today, still rockin' away too.

Today is Thomas Mundy Peterson Day in New Jersey, Cesar Chavez Day in the southwest USA, and Hanami (flower viewing day) in Japan. It's the 126thth birthday anniversary of astronomer Adriaan van Maanen (famous in Daria fandom because of this shared world). The Motion Picture Production Code that prevents us from seeing cartoon boobs on TV was enacted 80 years ago today. And this is the 414th birthday anniversary of philosopher René Descartes, who said "I think, therefore I am" and won a little mention in Daria fanfiction for that.

Tomorrow... we have a lot of jesters. Stay tooned.

PPMB

• An End to War, by The Sharpie (COMPLETE!): “It has been thirteen years since that day. As the fires burned above ground we were some of the lucky few who were in The Caves. I wasn't supposed to be there, but my company convinced the government that since I helped write a key part of the new program I should help install it,” Daria told her daughter....
• NEW! Anti-Trope, by Minx (Chapter 2 COMPLETE!): "So how was Bobblehead Bobby? Will you be seeing him again?" Dean asked. "I doubt it," Jane said with a smile. "I like my men with a normal head to body ratio." (FF.net)
  
• Finn Morgendorffer 40: Higher Learning, by HolyGrail2007 (Part 3): “So, when do you suppose they do the brainwashing?” Daria asked. “Freshman orientation," said Tom. "That way, even the dropouts send in their last dime.”
• Lawndale's Finest: Action Stories #4—Power Struggle, by Jim North (continued): Then, just as she was ready to reach down and reset the entire system, windows began to pop up, close down, and move around, seemingly at random at first but finally in a pattern that she recognized as all the command attempts she had been making before, all executing at once. "No no no no!" she screamed, grabbing the sides of the monitor and shaking it in frustration. When the window containing the article she had been writing shut down without saving, she slumped forward to rest her forehead against the screen.
• NEW! There's Something Furry in Denmark, by LadieT (COMPLETE!): Over the next couple of weeks, Jane noticed odd changes in her behavior. Her leg would start bouncing whenever she had an itch. She felt the urge not to use a spoon when eating something out of a bowl. If Trent played a high pitched note, she would have to cover her ears. She tried to block the strange occurrences out of her mind. (FF.net) (OD)
  

Another Digression on Alter Egos

The awesome UU and Pinhead provided the, um, enlarged inspiration at left for this particular post, which is about those wacky MTV Animation artists and their very clever use of alter egos to remind us of pop culture past.

One of the late season alter egos of Quinn Morgendorffer was this one on the left, identified on the MTV website with the caption: Quinn poses for a glamour shot as Jayne Mansfield.

What makes Quinn become Jayne Mansfield, though?

First of all, some background. Unless you are as old as me (or, worse, older), you might not know that Vera Palmer, a.k.a. Jayne Mansfield, was a buxom movie star from the 1950s and 1960s. She was a Playboy centerfold star, too, and a nightclub star, a Broadway star, a television star, and a paramour of both JFK and RFK. (Good Lord!) Because she liked to show off her ample bust, she was once introduced on a late-night talk show with the legendary phrase, "Here they are, Jayne Mansfield!" (This story was later mutated to have been said about Dolly Parton by Johnny Carson, but that was not true.) She played the violin and other musical instruments, sang quite well (once with none other than Jimi Hendrix on guitar), entertained American soldiers in Vietnam on USO tours with Bob Hope, and got married to one of her husbands while wearing a transparent gown. She knew how to live large, and she did. She almost became Ginger on Gilligan's Island, but turned down the part. Her impact on pop culture is incalculable.

Quinn becomes Jayne Mansfield because: 1. she has Jayne's 40-inch chest, 2. she has Jayne's hairstyle (with Quinn's trademark bangs), and 3. she's wearing a leopard-skin bikini. Do not underestimate the leopard-skin bikini. Jayne liked bikinis and was fond of ones with leopard prints. One female reviewer for the Miami Herald, in an article about how the bikini became so widespread in use and so beloved by the public, wrote, "In the beginning... there was Jayne Mansfield."

It is said that Jayne Mansfield was one thing that Brittany Taylor isn't: smart. She could pander as well as anyone, but behind the 40-inch breasts was a powerhouse mind and a hard-driving actor/entertainer with an extraordinary range of professional skills. It was literally impossible for her to fail at life.

This post closes with a thought from her: If you're going to do something wrong, do it big, because the punishment is the same either way. Enjoy.

Helen Morgendorffer's boobs - because we're all dogs...

Nothing more need be said.

Well, one more thing. Why does Helen seem surprised? She was a teen hottie during the Summer of Love - and with those bad boys attracting attention, of course she knew that any male who isn't gay or Timothy O'Neill would lose thirty I.Q. points the moment she walks into the room, right? I'm reminded of that episode of the ABC comedy Spin City when the Mayor was dating Marla Maples Trump. As she leaves from a talk with Michael J. Fox, Carter (MJF's co-worker who is gay) openly ogles the woman and comments (after MJP says that a woman who looks as MMT does hanging out with the Mayor is trouble) that, yeah, if HE'S looking at her, they they're all in trouble!

A running gag on the show is how, even with whatever problems the Parents Morgendorffer have, in the bedroom, they have a five-alarm sex life. More to the point, though, they still love one another very much - even if they may not like one another from time to time.

It's a reasonably honest and healthy relationship - even with that Bastard Eric sniffing around Helen every time he gets a chance. (Just once - I'd have liked to have seen Jake punch that bastard out, or at least just walk up to him with a world-shattering glare that clearly says, "Touch my wife, and I'll kick your ass so hard that the donkey that Mary rode on will bray in pain." (Obligatory Easter reference, BG-style, there.)

Still waiting for that essay on TAG on the Holy Grail of Daria lore - Helen's bra size. Personally, I'm going with 36C. I'm also thinking that there's a reason why, in "The Daria Hunter," Helen and Brittany both wore fatigues. (Well, besides the whole 'Jim's Paintballing Jungle' thing.) Can you imagine the mental distress our resident teenage nymphet with plus-sized breasts would have to endure if she and Helen were to be in the same area and wearing skimpy shirts?

More later. Say - when's S.C. going to do that artwork of Helen in her sheer pink nightie and house robe? You know the one I'm talking about...

DARIA GOES TOPLESS AT NOON!

Yes, Daria has agreed to let famed fan artist SRA paint her portrait TOPLESS, and it will be revealed to the world here at noontime. Stay tuned for the bare truth!




Nothing else to see here until later. Srsly.


Artwork (C)2009 SRA.

Look! Bikinis!

This is an image of a bikini kiosk in a mall, probably the Lawndale Mall, taken from an old version of MTV's Daria website. It is here to show that I have not forgotten the thing about Helen's boobs, but Real Life is dictating different issues at the moment. Plus, I wasn't able to post earlier today and thought the bikini kiosk, beloved of Upchuck, would bring the forgiveness of the readers.

If not, tough.

More this weekend.

On A Related Note

Since mammaries are also associated with motherhood (and thus provide a great reason for boob jokes), we can also look at fanfiction that includes Daria as a mother or stories that examine various indentities of her actual mother. I've used the subject in several of my stories, such as "A Mother's Love" (which explains today's graphic), "Accidental Future", "Daria Von Doom" and "Generation Gap".

Other stories include TAG's "Pause in the Air", NightGoblyn's "Heather/Damsel Chronicles", and of course, Greystar's "The Longest Year".

There are plenty of others out there, let's hear from you what your favorites happen to be.

Mammaristics, Ho! (almost)

Real life keeps getting in the way of having fun lately, but here are a couple of images of Helen Morgendorffer to keep you in suspense before we take our amazing journey into the science of mammaristics (measuring the sizes of cartoon boobs).

More later when real life sorts itself out. Maybe someone else can post something here, hint hint.

Science Marches On!

One thing on which I know every Daria fan can agree is that science is at its finest when it involves attempts to measure the size of huge cartoon breasts. This is a challenge worthy of Sir Isaac Newton or any other famous science guy, even Mister Wizard. The greatest challenge of all cartoon-boob-measuring challenges is, of course, the Mount Everests of them all, Helen Morgendorffer (seen at left).

True, there was one person who might possibly have had huger bosoms than Helen, and that would be Miss September from The Daria Diaries (seen at right), but we all agree it would be a close race.

The problem is this: how can concerned scientists like ourselves possibly measure a two-dimensional person for a three-dimensional characteristic like boob size? And the answer is: by using science. This month, what's left of it, we will attempt to solve the crucial conundrum of Helen Morgendorffer's magnificent mammaries using only the finest scientific methods available to humanity. If you have some suggestions of your own for achieving this worthy goal, by all means post them here and we will see if this solves this global crisis. (Get it? Global?)

Stay tuned and hang on. Our journey is bound to get bumpy.

OTHER NEWS: Latest DariaWiki page: USAES!

CINCGREEN, having finished "Data Dump," moves on into new territory!

"Too Cute" Turns Eleven

Eleven years ago today, the Daria episode "Too Cute" first aired on MTV. We were introduced to the evil Dr. Shar and to Quinn's complete gullibility in matters of beauty and fashion. Reviews of the episode are plentiful (e.g., Mike Quinn, Wraith, CINCGREEN). DariaWiki has an episode description but no review. The transcript is on Outpost Daria.

While not everyone's favorite episode, "Too Cute" did provide some memorable lines, including an infamous remark by Jane Lane ("Oh, Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs"). What did you think of "Too Cute"? I thought it was well above average and added a lot to the characterizations of Daria and Quinn, and to their relationship. Discuss in "Comments."

More later.

Mustang Fever

Forty-four years ago, at the 1964 New York World's Fair, Ford unveiled a new car model: the Mustang. Interestingly, Mustangs have appeared in several Daria fanfics, and I would have a lot more to say on this topic, but my computer is still in the shop and I am using a different one with none of my data. So it goes. You are spared the Mustang dissertation.

I've dropped out of fandom's view for a while but by this weekend hope to be back again in all my glory, or something. Wish me luck. While I'm out, talk amongst yourselves. Here's a topic: Helen Morgendorffer's bra size. Put your guesses in the comments, and the surprise answer will be revealed later.

"Oh, Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs."

As proof that real life is a trillion zillion bajillion times stranger than fiction, this article is offered. Notice that it happened at Jane Magazine. Kind of makes further commentary unnecessary, doesn't it?

Jane, alas, is no longer published, but Daria! Magazine is . . . no longer being published either, it seems.

"Jane's Guide to Boobs." You cannot make up stuff as weird as this. You just can't.

The Dark Side of Dr. Shar

"You know, maybe I should get boobs."
—Quinn Morgendorffer, "Too Cute"


Several years ago in graduate school, I was required to write reports on various topics having to do with health psychology, which was one of my classes. During my studies I discovered a startling article that had found a correlation between women who get breast implants and suicide. In other words, the study found that women who got cosmetic breast implants were more likely to kill themselves than women who didn't get implants. This disturbing connection has been confirmed in numerous other studies. A few articles on this problem are given here: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Current thinking is that a significant number of women seeking cosmetic surgery probably have some form of mental illness that, left undiagnosed and untreated, results in greater self-destructive behavior. Indeed, some breast-implant studies show higher levels of drug and alcohol abuse among women seeking cosmetic surgery. Cancer rates appear to be unaffected, except for an odd increase in lung cancer in one study that has been interpreted to show a higher probability of smoking among women seeking cosmetic breast surgery. Auto accident rates seem higher, too—possible suicides?

One illness often cited as a possible cause of suicide, when combined with plastic surgery, is body dysmorphic disorder, a condition in which a person believes he or she is ugly or physically flawed, though little or no actual evidence to support this claim exists. Most teenagers, like Quinn, worry about their looks, but some take this to extremes. This reminds me of a certain Daria character (hint: "Does this dress make me look fat?").

I think you see where the Angst Train is heading. More shortly.

Just Remember: This Is Scientific Journalism, Nothing More

The intensive scientific analysis of female characters in fictional works is part of a grand tradition in fanservice... um, fandom that goes back to the days of DC and Marvel superheroines. For example, many extremely advanced scientific studies have been made of She-Hulk, who has the largest breasts in the entire Marvel Universe according to Wikipedia (see the section under "Skills"), and the number of extremely advanced scientific studies that have been made of Power Girl is almost beyond counting (here are only four of them, to show you how extremely advanced they are: one, two, three, four).

With this message we take our leave of Amy Barksdale's, um, face and other body-image issues, and move on to different topics, like Amy's better-endowed older sister, Helen. And what happened to Rita? My gosh, talk about coming out on the short end. Anyway, that for later.

Amy Barksdale's Boob Job: A Global Perspective

Since the electrifying discovery announced in my last post, I have spent hundreds of hours in close examination of the affected area, looking for clues that might shed light on what happened, when it happened, how it happened, and why. That's the true nature of journalistic inquiry: keep your eyes on the prize.

At left are some of the results of my investigation. (Click on the picture to see a larger version.) We see four photographs of Amy Barksdale at home, wearing a tight, revealing camel-colored blouse that delicately accents the magnificent gifts that generous Mother Nature conferred upon her. As the less sophisticated elements among us would say, she is stacked. This is in the third-season episode, "Stacked Like Me." No, wait, I meant "Through a Lens Darkly." Sorry.

But woe! In the final image from "Aunt Nauseam," we see a different Amy, an Amy whose purse strap doesn't bow out from her chest to get around nature's generous obstructions, an Amy whose sweater lines go straight down. Ye gods, what has happened?

I hasten to point out that there was no urgent medical reason for the breast unenlargement, because if there had been then there would have been a Very Special Episode of Daria about it, and since there wasn't it didn't happen, so there. We must look to non-medical causes, like that rat bastard Joel. I bet it was his idea.

I am overcome and can write no more about this. It is too much to bear. You may talk amongst yourselves until we continue with a new topic, after my recovery.

The Great Amy Barksdale Mystery, Exhibits A & B

Those who know me best know I am a sober, thoughtful man, not prone to wild fancies nor paranoid delusions nor rash judgments. They know my word can be trusted. And so if I said to you, Daria fans, that I have discovered a shocking mystery that defies rational explanation, a mystery that quakes the very foundations of logic and reality, then you would know that I had found a mystery indeed.

Alas, as it happens, I have discovered such a staggering anomaly in the otherwise well-structured Dariaverse that for a time I was afraid to reveal this nightmare, for fear of the effects this discovery might have upon the delicate minds of impressionable citizens such as yourself. But I can hold back no longer; the truth must come out.

Yes, my friends, I have incontrovertible evidence, which I present to you now, that Amy Barksdale got a boob reduction.

Cast your gaze upon the first set of two photographs above, which come from "Through a Lens Darkly" and show a rather curvy, well-endowed Amy. (Click on the image to enlarge it.) Next, examine the series of three images immediately following that one, from "Aunt Nauseam," and... well, the proof should be as clear as Dr. Shar's implants. Something is missing. A lot of something is missing. What the heck happened here? Where'd they go? What did Amy do with them? What was she thinking? Were they getting in the way, or what?

Tonight we shall ponder this enigma in our beds and ask ourselves: why? Whose idea was that? Did they think that we wouldn't notice? We deserve answers, and we deserve them now. Thank you for listening, and I'm glad I could bring this to your attention.