"Darwin's the monkey guy, right? I like monkeys."

Today is Ask a Stupid Question Day, the holiday Kevin and Brittany were made for! As a librarian, I find that any day has the potential to be Ask a Stupid Question Day, but I've yet to come across one as bad as that duo could come up with. Poor Mr. DeMartino probably hates this holiday with a burning passion.

This also happens to be World Rabies Day, which is good news for Jane, who has "always wanted to sleep upside-down and spread rabies." Best of luck to her, but the rest of us might want to make sure their vaccinations are up-to-date.

Fanfic Update!

• The Author as a Lesbian, Season 2, by DeacBlue (part 2): "After Mr. O'Neill tried, once again, to excite them, Daria told Ms. Barch that they were going out and drawing the enemy's fire. Five minutes later, the three girls had been painted and were on their way to a 'comfort station.' As they stepped inside under the canvas, Daria smiled at the sight of Jen pulling a notebook and a sketchbook out from her backpack. 'I knew you guys would get bored without these,' she explained."


• Boxing Ms. Morgendorffer, by Chris Tucker (part 11): "'And finally, this is the power planer. Think of it as a wood chipper in disguise and treat it with the same pants-wetting terror and respect that you'd give any device that can grab you and not let go as it pulls you in, shredding flesh and bone.' 'Daria, you really are having too much fun, here. You know that, right?'"


• Crossing Stars, by Silver: "'So, we get here. And then you tell me to suit up.' Jane sighed in frustration. 'When honestly Mack's the better choice for this. He's done cargo loading before-' 'And I need him and Stacy on the Nemo, making sure the ship doesn't drift too much. We're in the middle of a debris field, working salvage. The ship drifts the wrong way, with all the barriers down-' 'And I have to break out the hull patches. Got it.'"


• Depth Cakes a Holiday (Pie, Pie, My Darling), by Smijey (COMPLETE!): "'Now, you should feel relaxed and warm. Everything is cool.' His voice slipped into a soothing lower pitch. 'Everything is love, baby. And the next word out of your mouth will be that particular someone who makes you feel like Queen Cleopatra.' 'Mack...mmm...'"


• Homeless Daria Episode 3: A College Try Gives Me Blisters, by RX-87 (COMPLETE!): "'Jane...' Daria said, weakly, 'I'm alive.' 'Thank God!' Jane cried out, squeezing Daria tightly, 'Not for lack of trying, though. I knew that bitch was up to something, the way she was acting all shifty. What the Hell were her and those goons trying to do?' 'Dunno...' Daria said, trying to shake off the effects of the drug, 'Why did she do that? Thought she needed me. The essays...'" (Part 19)


• I Daria (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Crossovers), by InvisibleDan: "I, Daria Veronica Anna Judith Claudia Morgana Doria this that and the other (I'll leave out the list of all my titles), who was once called by family and some I once considered friends Daria the Plain, Daria the Bookworm, Daria the Frigid, Daria the Bitter, Daria of-the-Poison-Tongue, or Poor Aunt Daria, do hereby begin this strange chronicle of my life from girlhood to my ascent to Empress of Rome."


• John Lane 51: Promises Kept, by RLobinske (part 4): "'I want the best for my sister.' Quinn looked around at the fine setting. 'But yeah, a pizza place is probably best for Daria, in her own way. I don't understand it, but I've learned that I can't change.' 'That sounds like a reasonable outcome,' Tom said. 'You still think that they have something extra planned.' 'I'm positive.'"


• Kolchak: The Lawndale File, by Chris Tucker: "It almost never happens that a big story drops full blown into your lap. You might get a lead, and after enough legwork, you might have a decent story. This was more than a decent story. Talk to enough people, slog through enough paper, you find the link. The link was the Mayor of Lawndale."


• Legends of the Dark Millennium: Mettlemouf (Iron Chef: The Terror of Metalmouth), by RX-87 (COMPLETE!): "There should have been some warning. Some sign. No way this beast, its race never known for subtlety, could have gotten in without notice. There were legends in this sector about a legendary Ork Boss-Mek who possessed teleportation systems so advanced he could appear anywhere within a thousand lightyears. A monstrous beast whose bionic jaw, what the foul greenskins referred to as a 'gob', could bite through anything like paper. They had been reluctant to believe it, more out of fear, perhaps, than any genuine doubt that a creature with such powers could exist, but there he was."


• Mad Dog's Legacy Chapter 10: Rock On, by Hyrin (COMPLETE!): "Jesse found Trent at The Zon that night, nursing a beer. 'You ok?' he asked, taking the stool next to Trent and gesturing for a beer. Trent gave no reply, except to take another drink. 'Didn’t think so,' Jesse said, taking a sip of his drink."


• Mission: Unfashionable, by JPAGC (part 1): "'And it means you're going undercover too, then,' interrupted a soprano voice at their right. The young man looked at the woman sitting in a comfy chair. 'Well, it's the only way, as far as I can see.' 'What were you thinking as cover, then?' asked Quinn. 'Well, there's always "upchuck"' He grinned as a chorus of 'Nooo', 'ewwww' and 'please!' erupted around him. 'Hey, It's the only one I have. And it has worked so far, right?'"


• (Not) Alone (Scream Scenes), by Jim North (COMPLETE!): "Daria's body sagged. She dropped her arms to her sides and looked down at the floor. 'You don't get it,' she said, her voice low and filled with sadness. 'I was finally alone. But now that you're here . . . I'm not alone anymore.'"


• Questions Asked Questions Answered & Pizza w/ Jane Ch 5, by Lord Yellowtail (COMPLETE!): "'You’re making progress; that’s not nearly as messy as shoving a bo staff through his trachea,' Bubbles noted, before sobering, flashing another one of those sad smiles that always made Daria think of soaked kittens. 'You don’t.' Daria blinked. Once. Twice. Felt the familiar irritation as Bubbles once again let her know she was somehow barking up the wrong tree. 'Explain,' she ground out."


• Quinn's Code 04: Geekery at the Mega-Mall, by cfardell_Brenorenz29 (part 2): "Daria sighed. 'I'm sure it won't work, but I will ask Mrs. Bennet tomorrow to call off the field trip,' Daria said. 'I'm not sure that will work,' Jane said. 'I'm going to ask anyway. I can be quite stubborn,' Daria said. 'We've both seen that,' Jennifer murmured as she turned into the Lane's driveway."


• Rafting Naked (Iron Chef: Everybody Loves a Naked Daria), by Doggieboy (part 3): "Daria had her own paper and wrote the name Barry Powers down beside that of Shawn Striker. Then she looked at the shaggy-haired sophomore and narrowed her eyes. Paybacks are a bitch, you lousy bastard, but from now on, I’m going to watch you and your fellow pervert from the other class. You’d better hope that when I can get you back that I’ll be in a better mood. A small smile crossed her face. It’s a proven fact that steel-toed boots hurt, especially when they hit testicles."


• Rude Awakening Ep.9: Join The Club, by DIsaac (part 3): "('GOOD' DARIA and 'BAD' DARIA appear on her shoulders) DARIA: Not you two again! 'GOOD' DARIA: Now you knew we couldn't stay away that long. 'BAD' DARIA: Besides it's not like we have better things to do."


• School Spirit: Valentine's Day Massacre, by Smijey (part 2): "Daria shrugged. 'Well, something sure as hell is making the whole county nuts. When I called mom earlier, she thought I was just nervous about being at Lawndale when I told her how many death threats had been made against me.' Jane nodded. 'Yeah, I tried telling my mom about it too, but she just thought I was using vivid imagery to express my dissatisfaction with the callous learning institutions of oh God it still gives me a headache just saying it out loud.' Jane rubbed her temples in a vain effort to alleviate the pain."


• The Secret of Morolonago, by NapalmKracken (part 1): "'Our work on that island,' thankfully he refused to butcher the place’s name, 'doesn’t require a massive pig sticker, unlike yours does.' He referred to the bolo at my side. A machete as long as my arm I’ve carried it daily since hiding in the mountainous jungle province of Bataan during the War. 'Now what pray tell do you need such a big cleaver for? They make steaks that big here?' 'I use it to keep passengers in line; say don’t you have an assigned seat in back?' Max replied, 'That’ll do it.' Ignore the crazy bolo lady’s suggestion why don’t you? 'And I like the stars. Cute.' Cute? The pair of stars dangingling from my bolo hilt came from a Japanese soldier I killed in the War! For these stars ten people died. What the hell is wrong with this guy?!"


• That Snarks In The Night (IC: Darkwing Daria), by Charles RB (COMPLETE!): "'Mummy mummy lookit me LOOKIT!' squealed the aforementioned thing, rushing into the room in her Gosalyn costume (she'd already had the pigtails). 'I'm Gosalyn, I get to fight the bad guys and everything!' Daria said nothing. Darkwing Duck was the only thing she and Quinn agreed on and could share, but despite that, admitting that Gosalyn was cool would mean Quinn won. And that could not be allowed."


• Unnamed story (Iron Chef Idea: Daria as a Historical Reenactor), by RLobinske (COMPLETE!): "Sitting among the other ladies in the gallery watching the Pas d'armes tournament, Daria leaned over and whispered to Jane, 'You know, it was worth it dressing up in medieval clothes to watch guys in armor hit Upchuck with sticks.' After a loud 'Whack!' from the field, Jane said, 'Ouch. That's going to leave mark. Upchuck really isn't very good, is he?'"


• Unnamed story (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Crossovers), by Quiverwing (COMPLETE!): "Gossip Girl (Voice Over) - Hey Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl here... and I have the biggest news ever. One of my many sources, Melanie91, sends us this: Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand: Daria Morgendorffer. Was it only a year ago she mysteriously disappeared for quote 'boarding school'? And just as suddenly she's back."


• Unnamed story (Scream Scenes), by Charles RB (COMPLETE!): "'This is where the wealth comes from, Thomas.' Seventeen years old and realising how fucking naive he was of the world, Tom Sloane stared at the thing uncoiling from the Bromwell pit and tried not to scream or soil himself as it tore into the girl's corpses. "


• Unnamed story (Scream Scenes), by Smijey (COMPLETE!): "Jane was walking her new friend Daria home when her brother's car pulled up alongside them. She froze with panic. 'Hey, Janey,' he said with a lazy smile. 'Who's your new friend?'"


• Un-sureness, by roguebert (COMPLETE!): "She tossed her head to the side. Jane took the hint and followed her. 'What’s up?' Frowning as she reached for a brush. 'I think there’s something wrong with Daria. Just, when she came in, she looked like a lost puppy on top of looking like a drowned rat.I didn’t ask - I don’t know if I know her well enough - and you know how - of course you know - but -'"