Minority Report

One of the little curios about Lawndale High was that it was long rumored in the fandom to have a low number of minority students. The principal is nonwhite, of course, as are some of the teachers, per the strike scenes in "Lucky Strike," but a headcount of faces in the episodes does indicate LHS is a mostly white institution. (We know more about racial issues at the school than religious ones, about which we know nothing at all.)

The official MTV Daria site once had a webpage devoted to Lawndale High's history, which was finally recovered by WayBack Machine and can be viewed here. Indeed, the page says: "LHS has a diverse student body of 1400, with an ethnic balance reflecting Lawndale's proud tradition of multiculturalism (we'd rather not give hard numbers)." Touchy on the issue, perhaps? It is worth noting that Ms. Li has a Buddha statue in her office, but I don't think anyone seriously believes she has any connection to Buddhism beyond dusting the figurine.

Other "official" information on the condition of minority students at LHS can be found in the episodes "Gifted," "I Loathe a Parade," "Prize Fighters," and Is It College Yet? Most of this comes either from Jodie Landon's grousing about having to live up to her father's impossible demands on her as a black student, or from her arguments with her father (Andrew) over school choice. Some relevant remarks follow. (All hail Outpost Daria as the source!)


"Gifted"

• Helen: "Well, there's not a lot of... diversity at Lawndale. A few people can be narrow-minded and not always accept—right away—people from different backgrounds."
• Jodie: "At home, I'm Jodie. I can say or do whatever feels right. But at school, I'm the Queen of the Negroes. The perfect African-American teen. The role model for all of the other African-American teens at Lawndale. Oops! Where'd they go? Believe me, I'd like to be more like you [Daria]."

"I Loathe a Parade"

• Jodie: "Isn't it great how they keep electing us Homecoming King and Queen every year?" Mack: "Yes, it's such a generous and enlightened gesture. It completely makes up for the town's utter lack of diversity, in my mind." Jodie: "And we're playing into it." Mack: "Damn college applications." Jodie: "This is so humiliating."
• [Later] Jodie: "Oh, what the hell. We may be tokens, but we're damn good-looking ones."

"Prize Fighters"

• Daria: "They [Wizard Foundation] haven't promoted a woman or a minority in three years." Andrew: "So? Who better to win the prize than a brilliant young woman? Especially, if it turns out to be a brilliant young black woman." Jodie: "That is a good point." Daria: "I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with Wizard, once you found out." Jodie: "Trying to reduce the competition by getting me to drop out, huh?" Daria: "No. I thought we'd both drop out." Andrew: "And who will win the scholarship then?" Daria: "Huh?" Andrew: "Wizard's policies have been prehistoric, yeah. But someone, somewhere in the organization, is trying to address that. Or, they wouldn't have created this prize. Now, do you walk away because the guy at the top is an idiot, or do you join the people trying to change the way he does business?" Daria: "How do I know they're not just trying to make him look good, without changing anything at all?" Andrew: "They won't change anything at all, if kids like you two don't push your way onto their radar and show them the error of their ways. If you don't go up to the gate and ring the big bell, they've kept you out without having to do a thing. Ring the big bell, Daria! Ring the big bell!"

Is It College Yet?

• Jodie: "You know, my grandmother was in the first Turner graduating class to admit women. I'd be carrying on a tradition. Plus, I'd finally get a break from having to be the perfect Jodie doll at a mostly white school." Mack: "I hear that."
• Andrew: "You want to go to college to relax? That doesn't sound like my Honor Society daughter." Jodie: "Relax socially. Stop being the black kid, and just being a kid. I'm tired of being in the extreme minority, and I don't want to go to a place where people might think I got in just because I'm African-American."

The impression is that minority students are worn out with the issue of being minorities and have become cynical about it. They just want to be able to forget about it and be who they are, be a part of the whole crowd. What is interesting is that the only kind of minority at LHS that has any voice is that of the black students. What about the other minorities? Nothing. Not many Native Americans, I guess.

There is another problem with this thinking, however. It is a reasonable assumption that Jodie, Mack, and other minority students have met bigoted persons in the school before and might meet them still on a daily basis, but no trace of such hatred can be found in the series. In fact, given the vast array of awards and achievements Jodie has gathered at LHS, one wonders if racial prejudice has had any impact on her life at all. Her father's pressure on her to succeed is the major source of her daily stress. Why did the writers shy away from this topic? Too difficult to find humor about it? That would be a first.

The most outrageous display of mass hatred expressed by Lawndale residents, in fact, is against penguins ("I Loathe a Parade"). However, I have already addressed the penguin snuff-porn issue and will move on with this topic.

Few Daria fanfics have dealt with diversity and prejudice. The better and more interesting ones I've read that have struggled with these issues include (with apologies to those I missed):

• "It's All About Repect," by Brother Grimace (note Kyle Armalin's musings in particular on racial issues)
• "Primarily Color," by Kara Wild (Driven Wild Universe, has some startling moments as racial and religious issues are brought to the surface at school)
• "Life's Meandering," by Yui Daoren (the Morgendorffers move to New Mexico, and Daria becomes a target of prejudice from a few Hispanic students)
  
• "Ngiynah Mihalev," by The Eighth Guardian (the Morgendorffers' Jewish heritage becomes known and antisemitism rears its head)
  
• "Anywhere but Here," by MMan (AU tale touching briefly on minority issues that came out differently in another world and time)

What is more often seen than conflicts with prejudice in Daria fanfiction is instead the kind of all-accepting attitude that the minority students in the canon series say they want. Jodie, Mack, and Kyle Armalin are little hampered by racism, if at all. The Morgendorffers, who are sometimes assumed to be Jewish despite the Christmas tree in their garage, do not have crosses burned on their lawn. (Same for Tiffany Blum-Deckler, also assumed to be Jewish because of her name.) The extreme seems to have been reached in The Sidhe's The Other Side of Time series, in which an AU Confederacy (in touch with Lawndale) achieves independence and emancipates its slaves, offering them full civil liberties. The major Southern figures in the Civil War who interact with Daria and Jane (and Kyle) display no iota of racial prejudice. I confess I balk at that, being from a border state that had mixed sympathies and being well aware of hidden biases, but weirder stuff has been written. Who am I to throw pebbles?

The fact is, none of us like prejudice. I would go so far as to say that there's an unspoken conspiracy among fanfic writers to keep some of the really ugly parts of human existence away from our beloved Lawndale. (Not all the time, mind you, but most of the time.) Nonetheless, stories that handle prejudice, whether they end happily or not, are keying into a topic that was integral to Daria from the beginning. People are different, and some people are kind of funny about that. It is an intriguing source of writing material. It would, however, be interesting to hear from someone other than Jodie, Andrew, and Mack on the topic. Maybe one or more of the Backgrounders or other original characters will one day tell their tales.

Hint, hint.


PPMB

• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Special: Tokusatsu Team Up! by Lorenzo Sauchelli (Part 1): Facing a fellow Planeswalker was indeed a difficult task. Especially considering they couldn’t be killed by the regular methods, such as decapitation or even disintegration. Even so, they had both been severely weakened by one another in their latest encounter. “Okay, Daria, you need to focus. Where is she going next?”
• Turnabout Confusion Part II: All The King's Horses, by Dennis (continued): Daria decided that she didn't like covert operations about the same time her boot started to chafe. She was normally a pretty good walker, but she didn't appreciate the need to walk almost all the way back to 1111, only to duck quickly down a side street and head back to the other side of town. She had no one to blame but herself, so she gritted her teeth and soldiered on.

Where's Glenn? (#2)

Okay, so there's this bearded guy in a colorful shirt sitting in a dark theater in Is It College Yet? Could this guy be Glenn Eichler? He looks more like him than the previous guy. Wonder if the woman is supposed to be his wife (Michele Tomasik, editor for The Daria Diaries).

Some changes have been made to the main page of Backgrounders, defining which characters on Daria were major ones and which were minor, for the purposes of that website. I'd like to hear from you about that. Are there "major" characters you think are really minor ones, or vice versa?

More importantly, I'd like to hear from fanfic writers who have found the Backgrounders site to be of use to them in creating their stories. Daria is rich with unexplored territory, even seven years since the last original episode or movie appeared.

Ever wonder if Pizza King was a real place? Wonder no more.

Dennis, Richard Lobinske, Brother Grimace, and Disco316 have added a lot recently to DariaWiki. Latest page added is about Dominator.


PPMB

• Antiestablishmentarian Hikers, by Lawndale Lurker (continued): “Ohnoohcrapohdamn, we're doomed! Now we're all gonna die for sure! Idawannadieavirginnn! Waaaah!!"
• The Other Side of Time: Unfinished Business, by The Sidhe (continued): Tom Sloane got out of the police car and looked at the ruined shell of his childhood home. He could see the remains of the front door, marked off with police crime scene tape. Beside him stood a couple of detectives from the Lawndale police.
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Parts 18 and 19): By the time Daria had gotten to within a block of her home, she had walked off most of her frustration. She had even resolved to apologize for acting childish when she went over to Jane’s house the next morning. Maybe Jane would admit she was being childish too. However, her plans went out the window the moment she saw the car parked outside her house. [Note: part 19 is angst to the awesome power. Good show!]
  

Where's Glenn?

While watching "A Tree Grows in Lawndale" a while ago, I caught a glimpse of a familiar figure in the background. I do believe that is Glenn Eichler standing between Helen and Jake. It resembles the B&W line image of him I've seen. First time I've ever spotted him. Anyone else recall seeing the GE Man around? Plus there's that old not-blind guy, too.

Twenty-seven years ago today, fanfic character Francis "Fran" Lawrence was born, who later became Quinn's friend in the Falling into College series by Richard Lobinske.

More later when I figure out what else to write.

LATER: Wait, I guess that isn't Mr. Eichler. GE doesn't wear glasses. Damn!

EVEN LATER: Kara Wild reports that someone from Shout Factory has expressed interest in Daria, but does not see it as likely to happen anytime soon. Let's keep hoping.

EVEN MORE LATER: This question was brought up as to what music would best be kept on a Daria DVD, per this list on DVDaria. Anyone have any musical favorites from the original series to add to this?

Alien Victory, Indeed

Okay, I forgot to post something there last night. Sue me. This should make up for it.

Superfan UU and I are filling out the dossiers on the background characters from Daria at a website coincidentally named Backgrounders. Some of these guys are pretty weird, like the black girl who can change into a blonde at a moment's notice, or the guy in the turquoise hoodie who teleports, and God forbid we even mention the psychic-wizard-superhero-mutant known as Shaggy.

But then there's the guy from Is It College Yet? that we nicknamed "Alien Victory," because of his T-shirt symbol. By pure chance, he turned out to be character #51 in our list (Area 51, get it?), but his main claim to fame might actually be more terrestrial and perverse in nature.

Alert fan Ranchoth recently e-mailed me about this guy and suggested that perhaps the Grey alien on his tee is not merely giving us a victory sign. As the link to Alien Victory explains (you will quickly see why I do not want to do so here), that gesture can be interpreted in a way that would startle the more innocent-minded fans among us (yes, both of them). Or perhaps this T-shirt emblem means something else entirely. Yeah, right.

Worse yet, the girl he's apparently dating is the one known as Winner, who might be based on a real live Daria fan. What kind of message is being sent here?

What do you think: naughty or not? Weigh in with your opinion in Comments. Let's get to the bottom of this mystery. We'll deal with the shapechangers and teleporters later.

SIDE NOTE: Two of the most active threads on PPMB lately are about the Legion of Lawndale Heroes (here and here). What I want to know is: why isn't Shaggy a member? Shaggy's practically the Doctor Strange of Lawndale High. An alternate-universe Shagster could blow the LLH away. Just a thought there, guys.

Newest DariaWiki page: "Rare Shots." I think I understand what this page is about, but it could use a little clarification.

Two new Iron Chefs have been posted by Greystar and Prince Charon (welcome back!). Check 'em out and start posting!

And we're almost up to 65,000 hits on this blog. Are people really reading this? Wow.


FF.net

• Daria: The College Years, by Farren O'Blivion (revised): The author requests feedback from the readership on changes to the story. Send in your thoughts.
  

PPMB

• Falling into College 66: Christmas in White, by Richard Lobinske (Part 5): "Trust me, if you stick a camera in the bride's face, you won't get anything that can be put on the air outside of late-night cable."
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Part 17): “Are these rodents cute and cuddly, or has a disease driven them insane? It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Squirrel, next on Sick Sad World!”
• Turnabout Confusion, Part II: All the King's Men, by Dennis (continued): About twenty kids filled the AV Room, some on chairs, some on desks, a couple on the window sills, and Scarlett up front, with Upchuck standing next to her. It occurred to Andrea to wonder how Scarlett, who was known to be unstable, had managed to gather so many people in so short a time.
  

Sorry, this was the best I could do

Would you believe it? Five seasons and two movies worth of TV show, and nothing about groundhogs. Squirrels, mice, etc., but not a single groundhog. I had to use an elementary school coloring sheet. There was a groundhog pet in "Darkness" (Upchuck), at least.

Groundhog Day: loved that movie.

Happy day to you. And this is post #1000 on the DFB2. Glad you could be here to see it.

LATE NOTE: Here is the official Groundhog Day website. I have no idea why I am adding it. Do with it as you will.

It's SUPER BOWL MGMOMGWTFVIII!

This is post #999 on this blog, and it marks the annual Super BowelBowl played every year on an annual yearly basis in this country (meaning this one, 'Murrika). The teams playing are, um, one from a red state and one from a blue state, or as close to that as can be found. The winners receive new girlfriends and SUVs. The losers are sent to Loserville.

I think I got that right. Changes are welcome. Put them in the Comments section where I can delete them later.

What else is going on.... what are you doing today to celebrate Daria's semi-victory over the forces of commercialism and greed, as depicted in "Fizz Ed"? Inquiring minds want to know.

February Follies

Thought you'd like to see Daria and company having a good laugh at the underwear-clad Beavis and Butt-head in "Wet Behind the Rears," described here yesterday. The image at left is from the MTV site. You hardly ever see Daria laugh, do you?

Though the following events have no specific dates, they all took place in February of different years, so we will remember them here in a bunch. See if you can guess which story these are from.

An important new addition to the Morgendorffer family arrives: a granddaughter.

Helen discovers she is pregnant—and breaks up with the biological father soon after.

A certain female superspy hides in the woods, hoping to avoid capture.

Daria gets published. The female superspy has something to do with it.

Daria does not get published. Someone else secretly does (not the female superspy, though).

Good luck!

The Shortest Month of the Year, but Packed

For a short month, February has a lot of Daria-ish fandom holidays. Today, for example, was the day Mystik Spiral had to appear for a band competition, the results of which may be discovered by reading this story.

Today was also the day, nine years ago, that a fan-created character had to report for military duty. You might be able to guess the name, but if not, the answer lies here.

Ten years ago, Daria herself got a special award from her many fans in Teen People magazine. She was pleased, in her own special way.

More indexing of Legion of Lawndale Heroes stories has taken place, this time on Dariaverse.com. Thanks to Lorenzo Sauchelli!

More soon, mostly asleep now and fuzzy in the head. Ciao.

Anniversaries I missed thanks to the damn ice storm

This past Wednesday, January 28th, was the seven anniversary of a very special wedding in Daria fanfic-land. Who got hitched? Give up? Click here for the answer.

That same day was also the 50th anniversary of Lego toy bricks, which can be used to create a very good likeness of Jake Morgendorffer, shown at left.

Thursday, January 29th, was the 14th anniversary of Daria's appearance on the Beavis and Butt-head episode, "Wet Behind the Rears." Daria doesn't speak in the episode, but you see her having a good laugh, along with the rest of the student body, when Beavis and Butt-head are forced to leave school during a fire drill wearing only their underwear. Plus Beavis is covered in blood and has a hole in his right hand from being hit with a javelin. Plus, you discover at the end, the fire alarm was rigged by the principal and Coach Buzzcut for the sole purpose of having Beavis and Butt-head embarrassed in front of the rest of the school. Which really makes you wonder what the hell was going on in that school. Jeez. At least Daria got a good laugh out of it. So did both Kimberlys and Cassandra.

Plus, it was nine years ago on Friday the 30th that part of the episode "Fizz Ed" took place. It was Super Bowl Sunday in the year 2000, when Daria took on The System and won. More or less. Thanks to Richard Lobinske for puzzling this one out.

Lorenzo Sauchelli has drawn another Legion of Lawndale Heroes super-dude. Enjoy!

Greystar has posted a special PPMB Iron Chef challenge. Stay tuned to see where this ones goes.

SPECIAL NEWS! Roentgen (here, too) has created a DariaWiki page with all the links to the Legion of Lawndale Heroes stories! Huzzah! This was a much-needed item. Thank you!

The New Idea Thread on PPMB continues to spiral out of control. Many exciting projects are also being discussed for 2009.

More later as I read some more stuff. Oh, and the stories I missed updating are below.

FF.net

• Daria, Poem Unlimited: The Meme Wars, by Project Pegasus (Part 2): Tom is at it again! This time he is trying to take over the Internet, and only Daria and Jane can stop him! While Daria and Jane desperately chase Tom across Cyber Space, they find themselves stuck in yet another Internet meme!
• Harry Butthead, by Deep Metal (Part 2): “Butt-head, I’m very disappointed in you! We wanted to raise you in an upright, Christian household and this is how you repay us? With black magic and occultism?” [This story was in the B&B forum, but it includes Daria, so is listed here.—TAG]
• Helping Hand, by Ivgie Sole (Part 3): Having already suffered a great loss Daria is about to lose her love, sanity and perhaps her very life. That is until an old friend comes to her rescue.
• When It Rains, by MandeeMistress (Part 1): Daria is finally getting the tour of Raft that she wanted. A placement test is her main objective. With Trent, Jane and Jesse along for the ride, it's bound to be a disaster.

PPMB

• Expectavi—Daria: Agent of COBRA, by Ranchoth (Part 2.5): OMG. Don't try this at home, kids. *
  
• Falling into College 66: Christmas in White, by Richard Lobinske (Part 4): It appears the truck filled with ebola-carrying penguins is not going to make it to the wedding, but there's always the honeymoon!
• Long Trek Home, by Ranger Thorne (Part 2 continued): Daria sighed then sat in one of the seats across from Jodie. "This is just too weird to talk to Jane about," she admitted. "But, I, um, think that girl's father might be me."
  
• Other Side, by Legendeld (Part 7): “The boiler is fine but it looks like the exchanger is cracked and that’s why it can’t build up more pressure to turn the turbine fast enough to make this thing go faster than five miles per hour.”
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Parts 13 to 16): Everyone's on the road not previously taken. Stay tuned to see where the road ends and if there are any fatalities.
  
• Stacy Rowe, Seeker (Part II), by jtranser (continued): Daria and Jane meet... uh-oh. This can't end well.
• Turnabout Confusion, Part II: All the King's Horses, by Dennis (continued): There aren't enough shocked little yellow emoticons in all TEH INTERNETZ to fit my reaction to this plot development.
• Two Halves, by Dark Kuno (Chapter 3, Part 7): “I can’t believe we missed the sale by an hour,” Quinn said with an annoyed tone as she dropped her keys on the living room table. Joey, Jeffie and Jamie each filed slowly through the front door a minute later. Each was encumbered with numerous bags, bundles and parcels of various sizes and visibly struggled to hold onto their immense burdens.
  

* Contains mature content. Brace yourself.

Back Again

Last Wednesday morning about 5:50 a.m. ET, the power went out in my neighborhood (thanks to a monstrous ice storm) and didn't come back until sometime this morning. We lived in a nearby hotel in the meanwhile, a hotel that had a public computer that was so slow it made Tiffany Blum-Deckler look like an amphetamine junkie. No updates possible.

So, anyway, I'm back online. Don't expect anything much from me for a bit, still trying to catch up with whatever went on while I was away.

Good to be here.

VOTE!

Time is running out to vote for the 2008 Daria Fanworks Awards. Give a nod of thanks for your favorite works of the year.

And don't worry, none of the vote counters live in Minnesota! :)

Story Vs. Technique

Writing is a craft involving both creative and technical aspects. Optimal, of course, is an excellent story, excellently told. However, particularly when reading fan fiction, one must at times be willing to forgive, at least to a point, weaknesses in one area or another. Even in the Daria fandom. Yes, Daria fans are smarter than everyone else, and yes, all our writers (well, maybe not Ronin) are a cut above the writers from other fandoms, but we still have some things to overlook when it comes to the stories. (If you are a Daria writer, of course this doesn’t mean your stories. You are the exception.)

Sometimes it’s broken rules. Yes, writing has rules. Spelling, grammar, punctuation. These things matter.

Sometimes it’s a weakness in the story. Poorly conceived, poorly plotted, poor characterization. Or even just not a good story, at least for some. Not every story can appeal to every reader.

Sometimes, it’s a corker of a story, or at least it could be, it’s just not written well. Good ideas suffer when poorly executed.

Even when a story isn’t particularly appealing, if well told, I still quite enjoy it. I can also overlook a number of weaknesses in technique if the story is good. There is, however, a tipping point, when a story becomes unreadable. This might vary. For example, I was completely unable to read one story that was recommended to me because of the flagrant abuse of italics. The story may have been fabulous, but I could not read it.

What’s your tipping point?

Story Time

NightGoblyn has brought up the issue of what everyone is working on for 2009. Join in the conversation. Bring a pitchfork, too.


PPMB

• Size Does Matter, by BlackHole (Part 35): “I’d rather stick with the nipples,” Daria said, her gaze turned downwards.
• Stacy Rowe, Seeker (Part II), by jtranser (continued): "Good afternoon. You are listening to Radio R'lyeh."
  
• Stuck Inside of Lawndale with the Metafic Blues Again, by Gregor Samsa (continued): "How about we wrap the room in plastic?" "Worked for Christo." "Until that time he wrapped the island with all the people still on it."

A Day That Will Live in Fame-y

HISTORY IN ACTION! A mere 189 years ago, the Russians discovered Antarctica, a deed for which I will always be grateful for reasons that cannot be discussed in a public forum on the orders of my attorney.

This is post #991 here on the DFB2. In a few short days, we will enter a new millennium of blog posting, an epoch marked by yet still more posting, and then even more. I'm trying to think of something to add to that but it isn't coming to mind. Some kind of bold exclamation in French, maybe. Something. Duh.

Two years from today, someone important in Daria fanfiction will be born. Who is it? The answer lies within the first few paragraphs here.

No, not her, either.

Linda Griffin, though she has a kind of an aggressive guy attitude, enjoys positions of power over other women, engages in constant games of oneupmanship, and knows how to properly shoot a bow and arrow, is not a lesbian. She's just Sandi Griffin, grown up, and Sandi isn't a lesbian, either. Ain't happenin', sorry.

For the shocking answer as to who on Daria was an actual real no-kidding lesbian, click here. Be prepared to be amazed, because there was more than one!

S'trewth! It's Australia Day, Mate!

It is indeed Australia Day, when we celebrate all things Australian, like 'roos in the top paddock (seen here in an image from Animal Pervert. I mean, Planet).

It is also the new Chinese New Year, forgot which animal (kangaroos, probably, but I can't translate 農曆新年), and the birthday of that wacky talk-show icon Ellen DeGeneres, whose fans cannot for some reason stop talking about whether Daria is a lesbian. My gosh, you'd think they were Daria fans too or something. Ellen is 51.

More soon, not with it yet, but not quite as not with it as I was yesterday, when I wasn't with it at all.

MOAR: I've been reading over the list of cartoon-oriented people that Ellen's fans think are lesbians. Good Lord! Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble? Buttercup? DORA THE EXPLORA? Damn, people!

Mindful that it is almost the end of January and we haven't yet talked about Helen Morgendorffer's prize-winning breasts, we will devote a little space here to talking about Who on Daria Do You Think Is Most Likely to Be a Lesbian, and Why. You can talk about as many characters as you want, but you have to pick your Main Choice.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You cannot bring up Daria and Jane. They've been done to death. Forget 'em. ALSO cannot bring up Alison, who came right out and said she was bi. Forget her, too.

As for the ones I don't think are lesbians or had any sort of lesbianical experiences:

• Helen Morgendorffer. With all apologies to a certain fan whose initials are BG, Helen was straight right out of the gate. She wants the Big Jake. Constantly.
• Brittany Taylor. Despite that wild tactical routine in "The Daria Hunter," nope. Never even crosses her tiny but well-meaning mind as she humps her merry way through every guy in Lawndale County.
• Janet Barch. Despite her martial-arts ass-kicking on DeMartino in "The New Kid," nope. Never even crosses her mind. She wanted a Mushy Banana Male of her own, for which all lesbians everywhere can be thankful.
  

My pick? (see next post)

A Power Behind the Melody

Even though Daria's fictional character Melody Powers was only mentioned twice during the show, in Season 1's "Café Disaffecto" and Season 3's "The Old and the Beautiful", the idea has generated a lot of material for fanfiction, from the obvious of Daria writing "Melody" as a plot element to the inclusion of actual Melody stories, the best example of which is Galen Hardesty's "Blood Oath of Patriots" series.

Since both episodes include the ending of their respective Melody stories, it is clear that Daria wrote at least two of them. The "Café Disaffecto" story ended with:

Daria - Safe for democracy, or almost safe. Melody brushed some errant grains of sand off her fingers, tied her top back on and reached into her beach bag. Tonio heard nothing, and that was a pity, because he would never hear anything again. So long Tonio, she thought as she calmly stood up. I could have loved you if you weren't as red as the blood stain now spreading across the sand.

(Mr. O’Neill hides face in hands)

Daria - Melody walked calmly away toward the hotel, there’d be a message there from HQ no doubt. She hoped she had time to shower.

While "The Old and the Beautiful" with:

Daria - "Melody Powers sighed as she began picking what was left of Misha out of her hair. She'd look into less aggressive explosives back at HQ after her rendezvous with Team Algiers and the intriguing Eduard. 'I hope he's the strong, silent type,' she thought, flicking away one of Misha's molars. 'I've already had one man go to pieces on me today.'"


Though riffing off of the contemporary movie, "Austin Powers", the character and stories are not comedies, but instead are satires of the spy genre with over-the-top body counts like an episode of "24".

Daria - As Melody sun-bathed on the Rio beach, she looked back upon the past few days with a certain quiet satisfaction: twelve dead Russians, five dead Chinese, three or four dead Cubans. The world was once again safe for democracy, she reflected while watching Tonio's exquisite chest rise and fall with his light snoring.

Come to think of it, it makes you wonder how Daria would write Melody meeting Jack Bauer. Hmm, since I'm feeling a little lazy today, that's your homework assignment. How would Melody Powers react to Jack Bauer. Write a short bit here or if it's something longer, take it over to one of our regularly scheduled message boards.

G'morning. Not Awake Yet.

Nothing on the DariaScope this morning. Check back in a while to see what's new.

Zzzzzzzz...

LATE NEWS! Most recent updates on DariaWiki: David Allen Farrington, by Brother Grimace; Size Does Matter, by BlackHole; and Ted DeWitt-Clinton, by João Paulo Costa & Disco316. Thank you!


FF.net

• The Almond Ninjas! by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Stacy Rowe has joined Jake Morgendorffer in his battle against the evil squirrels, and now they know it!
• Death from Above, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): From the "1,001 Ways To Kill Tom Sloane" thread on PPMB comes this quickfic, where Tom gets into a sticky wicket for the final time... and boy, is it sticky!
• Her Little Secret, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Janet Barch has found a way to ease the stress of her life. It's nothing like you'd ever expect, though... not in a million years.
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini: Dinner, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): The empty nest syndrome hits the Morgendorffer household hard.
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini: For The Boys at Camp Victory, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Daria does a good thing for the United States Marine Corps. Semper fi, boys!
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini: Fraternity Brothers, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): While at USAES for training with the rest of the Legion, Tom Sloane rooms with a past acquaintance... who is not entirely happy to see him.
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini: Legionnaires 101, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): The Legion's competition at the United States Academy of Extranormal Studies (the team known as The Alliance) takes a moment to study the Legionnaires. Takes place before Legion of Lawndale Heroes 12.6.
• Origins of the Ringbearers: Michael by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Based on the Ringbearers concept from Daria fanfiction, this multi-part fic deals with a man in a world like Daria's and yet different, as he tries to atone for a lifetime of wrongs.
  

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• Complications, by Legendeld (Part 1): “At least he isn’t a stunt car driver," said Helen. "I don’t know what about those kind of men that makes level-headed girls just lose their minds.”
• Falling Into College 66: Christmas in White, by Richard Lobinske (Part 3): "Well, what if somebody out there somewhere rewrote your Melody Powers stories and posted them online?" "I'd say that if they're writing Melody Powers fanfiction, they need to really get a life."
• Football Follies, by Roentgen (COMPLETE!): Amity League Preview 2009-10, by Chuck Ruttheimer. (And it only gets better! Read it now!)
  
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes 13.4: For Those About to Rock, We Salute You!, by Brother Grimace (teaser): For once in her life, Andrea Hecuba-Thorne agreed with Daria Morgendorffer. The obliteration of Lawndale High School had shaken her up so badly, Andrea did something that she rarely did – not only did she go to Pizza King and order pizza, but she actually sat down in a booth and ate it there, so she could be around people.
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Alternate Future 04: The Known future, by Psychotol (COMPLETE!): Two of his former green berets had been killed by Fran, the other two had been arrested along with half his force. He was working on a plan to rescue them. They hadn’t been able to revive everyone before they had to bug out, and one thing you quickly realize about the private soldier business, you had to make choices about who you break out of prison, and he had to minimize the risk by breaking out only those who were in the same prison as his most valuable assets.
• Other Side, by Legendeld (Part 6): Several hours later after they had returned to Daniel’s house and stealthily sneaked inside, Daria found herself in the position of ordering him to remove his pants.
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Part 12): Quinn answered Sandi’s question. “Well, Mom said that if we were going to go anywhere, they had to be with us. However, the more important reason is that we’re preventing a major hair dye faux pas. You know how that art chick’s hair is jet black? She wanted my cousin to dye it with stripes of blonde.” Stacy looked terrified, as usual. “Oh no! She’d end up with orange splotches everywhere!”

News about Uranus (huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh)

Twenty-three years ago today, Voyager 2 came within 50,680 miles of Uranus.

Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!

To commemorate this event, Beavis and Butt-head offer a science article at right (from Reading Sucks) all about Uranus—

huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!

—that has actual science information from Daria herself. Click on the article to read it.

Nothing else happened today.


Uranus. Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!

Latest non-Butt-head news: Dad Draws Daria Art on Kids' Lunchbags, from Roentgen. Cool! Thanks!

PPMB

• The Fall of the Angst Lords, Part 1: Rebels Without a Clue, by Gouka Ryuu (Part 1): With a mandolin in one hand, he awoke late... I guess that counts as practice, per Trent. A bit of faanfiction (spelling is correct) for all.
  
• Long Trek Home, by Ranger Thorne (continued): Jane and Jennifer had practiced the biofilter regimen several times, but it didn't keep the two from being nervous. "That's one," Jennifer said finally.
• Order and Chaos, by Legendeld (COMPLETE!): Maria looked down at the wooden plate in front of her and tried to keep an open mind. Seconds later she turned to Daria and begged in a desperate voice: “Please tell me this isn’t frog!”
  
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Part 11): Quinn shuddered. “Eeeeew! Vampirism is so gross! Well, except for that 'Interview with Brad Pitt' movie; he’s good in anything.”
• Stacy Rowe, Seeker (Part II), by jtranser (continued): "We have many different enemies, Great Lady, so we must make haste. The stars and planets are approaching the required conjunctions, and there are those who would use those alignments for their own purposes."

Something More to Celebrate

Let me do the math... um, okay, it was 177 years ago today that a certain fanfiction character, an original one in Daria-dom, was born. You are free to guess who it was before you click here for the answer. Good luck. If you get it right, you are either the author or a very loyal fanfiction reader!

So long as I have the bully pulpit, here are a few thoughts to spread around like manure, and like manure will either cause things to grow or else will stink, or both.

I would like to strongly encourage a certain activism among the fandom here to add your own stamp to the resources everyone draws upon. If you like using DariaWiki, by all means, find some pages that need work and go for it. A lot of the same names keep popping up as wiki editors and writers, but that well of writers is a very small one. If you have the itch to write and you love Daria, please add to the labor of love that DariaWiki is.

If you write fanfiction, send your works out to as many websites as possible. A goodly number were listed in previous posts, particularly here and here, so find some time to make your work famous the world over. A fandom exists only with the help of its fans, and until MTV pops some Daria on DVD out of the oven, we keep the flame alive, or something like that. You know what I mean. Brother Grimace certainly knows, as he has just posted 7,352,892 stories new and old to Fanfiction.net, just loads of stuff. You'll be reading until Kevin Thompson graduates high school, which will be a very long time indeed.

A long while ago I wrote about an "adopt a webpage" project, in which interested fans go web-surfing, find places that allow you to add content on Daria, and add that content. If you click on the phrase "adopt a webpage" under Labels, you will get the list of websites that (so far as can be told) allow for fan additions. Adopt a website or webpage of your own and make it something special. We can never have enough Daria websites. We have had too little, but never enough.

If you have some ideas for [winces as he says it] growing the fandom.... man, what an awful phrase. Sorry. Let's try that again.

We need ideas to help the fandom grow, in numbers as well as in personal enjoyment. If you have ideas for ways to make the fandom more fun, post them here or put them into action. Fun is the only reason we're here. Well, fun and obsession, those are the only two.... um, fun, obsession, and a need to communicate with other nutbars, that's three, wait.... forget it. You know what to do. Let's do it. Party on most righteously.

P.S. Now 1,119 fans at the Daria Fan Club. Jeez, that place grew fast.

P.P.S. Who was Daria's best writer? Take the poll by Byron Lomax and find out.


FF.net

• 3D Chess, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Could the problems with everyone in Lawndale be caused by the gods? A fic tinged with a bit of mythology and chock-full of the disdainful glare Daria fans know and love.
• Daria Hunter, by bhut (COMPLETE!): Ms. Li’s newest pet project, Lawndale High’s Filmmaking Club, is shooting "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course." Read it at your own peril.
  
• DAYLIGHT: Baked Alaska, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Legionnaire Julia Carlyle takes a trip up to the Last Frontier to find old friends and enemies, and an unimaginable disaster.
• DAYLIGHT: The Essentials of Everyday Living, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): The members of The Alliance meet new friends and a possible enemy in the ruins of Fostoria, Ohio.
• DAYLIGHT: Kitchen Duty, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Daria and Sandi are stuck in the kitchen, together. Cynicism and sadness rise like bread dough.
• Getting On With Living, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Jane has to verbally dress down a girl who's a bit too much into her past relationship with Tom Sloane. Based on an Iron Chef challenge.
• Good Deed For The Day, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Daria does a good deed. No horrid consequences ensue.
• Helen, The Depths of Her Own Mind, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): The fourth entry in the Visitations entry finds Helen Morgendorffer looking down the paths not taken and wondering if the choices she's made were the right ones.
• Helping Hand, by Ivgie Sole (Parts 1 and 2): Having already suffered a great loss, Daria is about to lose her love, sanity, and perhaps her very life. That is, until an old friend comes to her rescue.
• He's the QB, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): The fifth Visitations story, this one focuses on Kevin Thompson, the war in Iraq, and two very familiar characters arguing over the QB.
• Jane Lane: Ace Attorney, by BatLurker (COMPLETE!): In this parody/fusion with the Ace Attorney games, Jane Lane abandons her art studies in favor of the law in order to face an old friend. Now she has to face said friend in savage courtroom combat.
• A Legion Halloween, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): A LLH Special set between Chapters Thirteen and Fourteen. When the Legion holds a costume ball, several Legionnaires fight a real Halloween horror, and one discovers a secret that could change her life forever.
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini: Meta Yo Mama, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Even young superheroes play “Yo Mama” for fun, as the Legion's advisor finds out during an early-evening patrol of Legion Tower.
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini: A Quintessential Attitude, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Quinn's always been considered shallow, but as the newest Legionnaire discovers, even the carrot-topped fashion fiend has a heart.
• Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini: Waif Fu, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Sandi and Stacy go shopping. Three young punks decide to jump the two Legionnaires. Things get kinda sad after that.
• Like Sandi, In The Hourglass, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): The third in the Visitations series. Sandi gets a visit from The Man... and, perhaps, is the better for it.
• A Path of Roses and Thorns, Part 1, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): Daria’s Aunt Amy is getting married! Set in the Falling into College universe and told in flashback from the wedding day itself, it’s the story of how Aunt Amy managed to get on that bumpy road to the altar.
• A Path of Roses and Thorns, Part 2, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): The story of Amy’s trip down the aisle continues, complete with more bumps.
• Size Does Matter, by HawkingRadiation, a.k.a. BlackHole (now up to Part 10 of 30+ posted elsewhere): What if Daria and Quinn were quite tall? How would they and their lives be different? How would everyone else react? Read how the characters deal with "big" problems in their daily life.
  
• The Trouble With Veronica, by Brother Grimace (COMPLETE!): What's with the third Morgendorffer sister? Where is she and why don't we ever see her around the house? Helen, Daria, and Quinn head to Grove Hills to see the youngest Morgendorffer… and you know what happens when Barksdale women get together.
• When Worlds Divide, by BatLurker (Parts 1 and 2): The world of the adults has come to an abrupt end, and it is up to the kids to bring order back.
  

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• Accidents Will Happen, by Undefinedlust (Part 2): Jane paced around her room nervously. She had just hurt her best friend, but worse than the crushing guilt she felt was the other feelings that were flowing into her head. OK Lane, what the hell just happened? How the hell could you have done that to your best friend?
  
• Apocalyptic Daria: Scarlett's Tale, by Doggieboy (Part 6): Scarlett suppressed a groan as her consciousness returned to her and she quickly opened her eyes and looked down. Then she winced and closed her eyes briefly. Oh, man, I’ve been in the same position all night. Wonder what time it is? Then she blinked and drew in a deep breath. John drugged me! (SFMB)
  
• Cynic with a Vampire, by Peapotmaster (Part 2): “I’m from a far away country called Stokervania,” replied Veronique. “In my country, we like people who...” (FF.net)
  
• Long Trek Home, by Ranger Thorne (continued): “Let me get this straight,” Jane finally said. “You and a bunch of high school kids have a starship and have traveled from another universe to get here?”
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Part 9): Jane stared, unblinking, at the ferocious beast before her. The large feline stared back at her, as if preparing to pounce on its prey. Jane’s expression was deathly calm as she pondered the predator before her.

How Barbaric!

Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan the Barbarian, was born on this day 103 years ago. Conan himself is about 77. Upchuck, of course, commemorates the event.

Lots of interesting story ideas being tossed around on PPMB. The links starts at the beginning of the thread. Add your own ideas, take a few, have fun.


PPMB

• Long Trek Home, by Ranger Thorne (Part 2 continued): “Helen?” This voice was unfamiliar. “She named her daughter after my mother?”
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Part 8): "Mom, are you and Dad all right?”

Another Caption Contest!

As Daria and Jane smile and look at each other, what are they thinking?

Graduation and Goodbyes

Seven years ago, Is It College Yet? aired, and the series was over. Much commentary came out about The End: The CBS Early Show, TV Guide Online, Slate Magazine, etc. The fans even had their say.

Fanfiction did not stop, however. Some stories even picked up at the exact moment IICY? ended (e.g, "Brother, When You're Found"). And it has run merrily along to this day, with no sign of stopping.

No deep thoughts here. Just keep up the good work, people.

Curiously, today is also Squirrel Appreciation Day. The coincidence is almost too much. More squirrel stories, please. :)

LATE BREAKING NEWS: Sleepless is back! "Broken Connections" and "Yuki-Onna" will be continued! Rejoice!


PPMB

• Falling Into College 66: Christmas in White, by Richard Lobinske (Part 2): A little drama with your wedding? :)

"It Is the Dawning of the Age of [fill in the blank]"

Time once more for The Head to show us the current astrological sign for the next month or so. I wonder where all the other zodiac signs went. Only a few seemed to have survived, like Libra (Dawn), Scorpio (Rock 'n Roll Randy), and this one.

Um, uh, okay, that was about all I could think of to say. Gimme some time to come up with something intelligent. Or you can in the Comments.

1800 hours, ET: Still nothing intelligent to say.

1807: Oh, here we go. Brother Grimace added more pages to DariaWiki, including one about a Code 513 event. Whatever could that be? Heh heh heh.


PPMB

• Jane Lane: Ace Attorney, by Lorenzo Sauchelli (COMPLETE!): Jane stood up and put both hands on her table. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Detective, how would you describe my client's apartment?"
• Long Trek Home, by Ranger Thorne (Part 2): It was the pointed ears that caused the woman to mutter, "Great, we've been invaded by elves."
• Scenes That Should Be: Brains for Rent (unnamed crossover story), by NightGoblyn (Parts 1 and 2): “I was running,” Jane said. “Down by the quarry, near the train tracks. I saw Daria.”
• Snuffed Animals, by Disco316 (Part 7): Tom twitched at hearing Jane behind him. He turned around, and saw his girlfriend behind him, holding their pizza over his head.
• Turnabout Confusion Part II: All The King's Horses, by Dennis (continued): Stacy and Tiffany found Quinn waiting when they reached the bathroom. The redhead leaned against the door, arms crossed as she blocked the way. Here we go, thought Stacy. PLUS: "Miss Morgendorffer to the Principal's Office. Miss Daria Morgendorffer to the Principal's office." The fit is about to hit the shan!
• Two Halves, by Dark Kuno (Chapter 3, Part 7): Jane was sleeping peacefully on her side. The blanket and sheets still arranged relatively neatly over her. Only a soft barely audible rasping sound came from Jane’s open mouth, as opposed to the window rattling snores, which could usually be heard when one approached the artist’s room in the early mornings.

Happy Inauguration Day!

And wouldn't you know it, I can't find a single Daria image to go with the day. Dang. Okay, we'll just go with the seal itself.

Hmm, looks nice enough.

Three years ago today, Kara Wild conducted the first interview with Anne D. Bernstein, and a lot of fun that was. Four years ago, the DVDaria blog got underway. Let's keep hoping it works. Kara Wild got that one going, too.

Oops, I missed posting the alter egos yesterday for Janis Joplin's birthday (Quinn) and Dolly Parton's birthday (Ms. Barch). Sigh. Next year, then.

Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of the airing of Is It College Yet? I joined the fandom shortly after that. That's just like me, always on time.

Oh, today's the start of the Aquarius thing, too. Have to bring out The Head for it later. Enjoy.

Happy MLK Holiday!

Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.

—Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Seemed appropriate, given the fandom and the day. Enjoy.

Caption Contest!

Superfan UU was kind enough to send this image to me, showing Jodie signing Brittany's yearbook in Is It Fall Yet? Your mission: tell us in the Comments section what Jodie wrote!

Farewell, seven years ago

Seven years ago today, Animation Magazine ran an article on the final TV movie for Daria, set to air only a few days from then. You can read the article at Outpost Daria here. Ms. Barch will give the eulogy.


Fortress CINCGREEN

• Data Dump, by CINCGREEN (Part 11): Daria Morgendorffer put on the black mask. It was a mask that covered her entire head, like an item of rubber fetish wear.

PPMB

• Falling into College 66: Christmas in White, by Richard Lobinske (Part 1): "Look at the bright side," Daria said. "Girls fighting over the bouquet can be cheap and enjoyable entertainment."
• Long Trek Home, by Ranger Thorne (Part 2): God, I hope this isn't our universe. We've been using the charts in the computer to check out worlds that are supposed to be inhabited while we headed to Earth. They aren't. It looks as if something has wiped all traces of intelligent life from the surface.
• Order and Chaos, by Legendeld (Part 20): “You’re a Sith.” It didn’t seem to be a question or even a statement so she didn’t bother to answer. “I think you want to kill them.”
• Other Side, by Legendeld (Part 5): "We spent two hundred years allowing the machines to do all the work. We spend so much time keeping the ones we have working that we do not have the time or resources to develop new ones.”
  
• Stacy Rowe, Seeker (Part II), by jtranser (continued): A polka version of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir"? At a wedding? This would make an interesting crossover with "Christmas in White," above! And in the next part, we hear Sandi say: "So, Stacy, let me see if I understand this correctly. You're going to go flying off to the center of our galaxy just to blow up another galaxy to the sounds of Michael Bolton."

The Greatest

The greatest athlete and sports hero in recorded history, who also happened to be born in my hometown of Louisville, is Muhammad Ali, born this date 67 years ago. He is the Greatest. Stacy does her best impersonation at boxing (seems to have a cut around her right eye), but unless she wigs out and imagines everyone is Sandi Griffin, she won't go very far. I don't think she's imitating any particular person here, but who knows.

Thirteen years ago today, Daria appeared in a Beavis and Butt-head episode entitled "Sprout." This is widely said to be one of the best B&B episodes. Enjoy it when you get the chance.

I'm having fun working on the Backgrounders site. So far, I've discovered that Shaggy not only can appear in two places at once (he's done it twice), time travel, and change his height, he can also shape-change into other students. I've also discovered a student in a jade-colored hoodie who can teleport. What the hell kind of school is Lawndale High? Jeepers.

Oh, and UU discovered an African-American girl who can change herself into a blonde in an instant. Seriously. Damn, these kids.

My, How Opinions Change

Or at least Helen's, when it comes to selecting a college for her daughter.

In the season 1 story, "College Bored", Helen was excited about taking Daria and Quinn to see Middleton College (from the Outpost Daria transcript):

Quinn - We have to visit a college of our choosing.

Helen - Great! We'll go to Middleton!

Jake - We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend!

Quinn - Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come.

Helen - But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps.

However, by the time Is It College Yet? rolled around, Helen had much less enthusiasm for Daria to attend her old college (Outpost Daria transcript):

Daria – I didn’t get into the school that I wanted, and you wanted for me. What am I supposed to think about my prospects?

Helen – Your prospects? Daria, you’ll be going to your second choice college, not prison. Look at me, I went to Middleton. It’s not half the school that Raft is.

Daria – What?

Helen – Middleton’s not half the school that Raft is, as you know damned well. I applied to college during the height of the baby boom. Competition was so fierce I got rejected from my first and second choices. And, see, I lived to tell about it.

Daria – Um, Dad seems to think Middleton’s hot stuff.

Helen – Your father needs to maintain certain illusions about his youth in order to function. It’s…(forced laugh)…cute.

Which makes you wonder about what happened. Did the visit in "College Bored" turn Helen off of her old school? Was it a subtle plot to convince her daughters to be careful about the college they choose? A matter of Helen maturing as a mother? Or the writers not remembering the events of "College Bored"?

I think I'm a clone now...

A little over a year ago, TAG posted here about various ways the DNA samples collected by Ms. Li may have been misused. Among other possibilities, he mentioned clones of Kevin. But would even Ms. Li herself unleash such a heinous creation on the unsuspecting world? Well, I'm here to tell you that the answer is yes!

We have here, courtesy of amateur photographer Charles Ruttheimer III, the only known picture of Oakwood High School quarterback Sam Stack. Don't be distracted by the extra-bouncy squeak toy sitting next to him. Look closely at young Mr. Stack.

Take careful note of the face, particularly the goofy grin. Does he remind you of anyone? Perhaps someone who is also dopey yet athletic? Someone like the Lawndale quarterback? Someone (for those of you having trouble keeping up) like Kevin Thompson?

What are the odds of two rival high schools having virtually identical quarterbacks who both attract the same blond cheerleader? Clearly this is evidence that Ms. Li has been selling Kevin's DNA to rival high schools so that they can grow their own IQ-impaired quarterbacks. Oh, the unspeakable horror of it all.

But that's not the end of this investigation! Look even more closely at that photograph. Kevin's face isn't the only familiar aspect of this young man. Where would he have gotten that lighter shade of hair? And that odd hairstyle? Could it be?


Yes! We have solved the mystery. For reasons unknown to us (and probably to herself, as well), Ms. Li has mixed Kevin's DNA with O'Neill's to achieve a hybrid so frightening I don't even want to think about it.

And on that note, I end. Pleasant dreams!